IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that children who spend a lot of time reading children's story books are wasting their time which could be better used doing other more useful activities. To what extent do you agree ?

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Reading had been deemed as a
favorable
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favourable
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 leisure activity in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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children
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's development. It is even seen as one of the most effective means to educate young pupils through a hobby, but it is important to note that their learning should not be restricted to
scholar
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scholarly
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activities
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.
That is
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 the reason why I believe that,
although
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 reading
books
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 can be useful for
children
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, a wide range of different entertainments are suggested to them in order to maintain equilibrium in their social life.
To begin
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 with,
children
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's stories are advantageous since they appear as a useful means to keep the youth away from screens as they tend to be more concentrated in their reading rather than watching television.
For example
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, many parents have implemented a rule for their descendants regarding
the
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apply
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screen
time
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 which is incredibly damaging for their eyes.
Instead
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 of offering them
electronics
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electronic
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 gadgets, they have decided to invest in
books
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 as part of their free
time
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 activity, but
also
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 to reduce the
time
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 spent in front of tablets and mobile phones.
Hence
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,
books
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 are seen as a positive value to
children
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´s education.
Nevertheless
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, the youth institution should not be restricted to
scholar
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scholarly
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activities
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 as they
also
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 need extra-curricular ones including
sport
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sports
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, in order to maintain a balanced lifestyle. Many pupils highlight the importance of free
time
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activities
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 involving the student´s well-being as a priority. Indeed, plenty of social clubs
such
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 as cultural community or
sport club
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sports clubs
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 are suggested in a large number of schools in order to give the opportunity of
children
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 to socialize by meeting new people and to broaden their horizons.
Therefore
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, many other forms of hobbies, despite being extra-curricular, positively impact the child. In conclusion, reading
books
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 is not a waste of
time
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 since it appears as a step forward for many families to educate their
children
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 by limiting their
time
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 in front of screens.
However
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, there are several other entertainments that kids could be part of,
such
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 as extra-curricular
activities
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 in schools which enable them to socialize. Even
thought
Correct your spelling
though
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 I recognize
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
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 of reading
books
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, young people should
also
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 discover other areas to widen their network and be committed
in
Change preposition
to
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 social
activities
Use synonyms
.

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Task Achievement
Consider providing a clearer thesis statement in your introduction that explicitly states your position on the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure to use a more varied range of cohesive devices to help connect your ideas more smoothly.
Task Achievement
Expand on some of your points with more specific examples or details to strengthen your arguments.
Task Achievement
You present a clear position that reading is beneficial but not the only activity for children, which addresses the prompt well.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay is well-structured, with a logical sequence of ideas and paragraphs that support your main argument.
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