IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that mobile phones should be banned in public places like libraries, shop and on public transport, others argue that people should be free to use their mobiles wherever they like. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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In modern
society
Add a comma
society,
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 a number of individuals claim that
Use synonyms
use
Correct article usage
the use
show examples
 of mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 should be banned
due to
Linking Words
harmful
Correct pronoun usage
their harmful
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 effects.
Linking Words
While others
Correct word choice
Others
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 believe that
Use synonyms
use
Correct article usage
the use
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 of mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 is not as bad as smoking. From my
perspective
Add a comma
perspective,
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 I strongly support that it has more benefits than
badly
Change the adverb
bad
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impact
Fix the agreement mistake
impacts
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. Without
doubt
Correct article usage
a doubt
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, it is undeniable that
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use
Correct article usage
the use
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 of mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 can be antisocial in some cases.
Firstly
Linking Words
 , these devices can attract attention in some important cases.
For example
Linking Words
, if some students pay
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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attention to their
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
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 during the lesson, they will not understand their homework more easily during
do
Change the verb form
doing
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 their homework in their houses .
As a result
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, it will lead to misunderstanding
Change preposition
of their
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their
Change the word
the
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 right way to their future.
In addition
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, it can cause
waste
Correct article usage
a waste
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 of time ,
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due to
Change preposition
apply
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thay
Correct your spelling
they
 spend their major time in front of
screen
Add an article
the screen
a screen
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.
As a result
Linking Words
, staying a lot of time in front of
screen
Add an article
a screen
the screen
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 can have
Correct article usage
a seriously
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seriously
Change the adverb
serious
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influences
Fix the agreement mistake
influence
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 on our
overall
Linking Words
 health, especially
they
Correct word choice
because they
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 seem to diminish our eyesight.
On the other hand
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, I disagree that
phones
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 should be banned in some cases. Because of some reasons. The first one is that
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use
Correct article usage
the use
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 of
phones
Use synonyms
 can relieve our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
For example
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, they allow
people
Use synonyms
 Who live far away from each other to speak , they help
people
Use synonyms
 keep in touch more easily. Except above-mentioned, individuals can take a few useful information .
Such
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 as maps, weather
forecast
Fix the agreement mistake
forecasts
show examples
 and so on which can make
people
Use synonyms
's lives become easier.
Additionally
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, mobile
phones
Use synonyms
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 not as bad as smoking as
people
Use synonyms
 think . In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 I agree that smartphones are sometimes antisocial, I believe they should not be banned as
they
Add a verb
they are
they were
show examples
 more beneficial for humans .

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Task Achievement
Your introduction presents your opinion well, but consider summarizing the main points you’ll discuss. This provides a clearer roadmap for your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to improve the flow between your ideas. Using linking words such as 'however', 'furthermore', and 'therefore' can help enhance coherence.
Task Achievement
In your body paragraphs, it's important to provide more specific examples to support your arguments. This can strengthen your points and make them more persuasive.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your viewpoint, which is essential in academic writing.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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