IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In today's competitive world, many families find it necessary for both parents to go out to work. While some say the children in these families benefit from the additional income, others feel they lack support because of their parents' absence. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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In
this
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 contemporary epoch, there is a surge in the trend of earning livelihood by
both
Use synonyms
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
. Some
poeple
Correct your spelling
people
 think that it helps the family financially, yet
on the other hand
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, some people consider it a negative development.
Both
Use synonyms
 these trends have their own benefits and disadvantages.
This
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 essay will shed light on every aspect
along with
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 some practical examples from my personal life.
Due to
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high
Correct article usage
the high
show examples
 standard of living, it has become evidently common for
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
both
Use synonyms
parents
Use synonyms
 to work practically and professionally. Nowadays, it is difficult for the guardians to fulfil the basic needs of their
children
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.
Higher
Correct article usage
A higher
show examples
 inflation rate has made
necessary
Correct pronoun usage
it necessary
show examples
 for every member of the
house
Correct your spelling
household
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 to work
,
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apply
show examples
 so that they can afford education, food and
house
Correct article usage
a house
show examples
 for their kids. In
this
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 way, the burden is shared and
thus
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 better living style can be adopted. Families who face more financial issues suffer from discomfort, anxiety and less contentment in their lives.
For instance
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, in Western countries like America, Europe and England it is observed that ,
due to
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 sharing finances together; people are more comfortable in their lives.
In addition
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 to the financial benefit,
this
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 notion is not quite beneficial for the juveniles. There are myriad reasons behind
this
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. First of all, mothers who spend their whole day outside, cannot focus on their
children
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. They mostly depend on
day care
Correct your spelling
daycare
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 centres and other institutes for the upbringing and education of their young ones. In
this
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 way, there is less moral building in the kids.
Moreover
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,
parents
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have
Add a missing verb
do have
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 not much time to spend with their loved ones.
Thus
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, the bond between the
parents
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 and
children
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 is not quite strong .
For example
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,
according to
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 an international survey, it was observed that mothers who
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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stay at home, their
children
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 have better health and confidence as compared to those who are working mothers. There are pros and cons
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
both
Use synonyms
 the views,
still
Add a comma
still,
show examples
 I personally believe that
children
Use synonyms
 are the most important obligation to look after. It is better for the father to earn and for the mother to look after her house.

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task achievement
Consider refining your thesis statement to clearly indicate which side you support. Ensure your introduction outlines the main points you will discuss in the essay more explicitly.
coherence and cohesion
Work on paragraph structure. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and flows logically from one idea to the next. Linking words could also enhance the flow between sentences.
task achievement
While you provided some examples, consider integrating more personal experiences or examples that are specific to the points you are making. This would help strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to proofread your essay for minor spelling and grammatical errors, such as 'poeple' instead of 'people,' as these can impact clarity.
task achievement
You have demonstrated a good understanding of the topic and presented arguments from both perspectives, which is commendable.
task achievement
You included relevant examples and personal insights, which enrich the essay and provide context to your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • dual-income household
  • financial stability
  • extracurricular activities
  • role models
  • self-reliance
  • independent
  • emotional well-being
  • work-life balance
  • neglected
  • quality time
What to do next:
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