IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that the violence shown in movies and video games has a damaging effect on society. While others believe that these don’t have an influence on people’s behaviour. What is your opinion?

#people #violence #movies #video #games #effect #society #don’t #influence #people’s #behaviour
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Few Individuals argue that the
action
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 and violence shown In films and digital
games
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 have a negative impact on
people
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.
On the other hand
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, others think that
this
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 type of content does not affect their actions.
This
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 essay will discuss both the views
as well as
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 give my opinion in upcoming paragraphs. To commence with the former notion, Watching
action
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 scenes In movies or video
games
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 are effect negatively on every person's life. To explain,
While
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 playing brutal
games
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 or enjoying films there are a few inappropriate scenes which can result in mental trauma for consumers.
For example
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, a survey conducted by The University Of Florida indicates that 70% of folks who enjoy playing violent
games
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 or viewing
action
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 pictures suffer from aggressive nature and mental trauma.
As a result
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, avoid Grade A violence content on the Internet. Shifting towards the latter notion, a majority of
people
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 take
this
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 type of programmes for a pure entertainment purpose only and they never attach or connect towards graphics. To explicate, Individuals consume brutal content and they love It.
However
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, they do not think much about watching It.
Moreover
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,
people
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 watch or play violent computerized
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
, and after that, they watch another movie the very next day.
For Instance
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, a headline from The New York Times shows that 82% of the
people
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 do not know what they watched or played yesterday.
Hence
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, It does not have any negative impact on their behaviour.
To conclude
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,
although
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 consuming brutal programmes effects negatively on humans, yet It does not impact their nature. I believe that
people
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 have no issue with the
action
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 movies and the video
games
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.
Submitted by birenp046 on

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Clarity & Impact
Try to enhance the clarity of your arguments by avoiding repetitive phrases and improve sentence variation for greater impact.
Sentence Structure
Include more varied and complex sentence structures to demonstrate a higher level of English proficiency.
Grammar Accuracy
Review subject-verb agreement and verb tense consistency to avoid minor grammatical errors.
Balanced Argument
You've well balanced the discussion of both viewpoints before giving your own opinion, which strengthens your argument.
Use of Examples
Good use of an example to support your argument, making it more convincing.
Structure
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs for each viewpoint, and a conclusion.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • pervasiveness
  • contentious
  • desensitization
  • aggressive behavior
  • outlets
  • correlation
  • causality
  • predictors
  • parental guidance
  • societal norms
  • mediate
  • mitigate
  • sociocultural context
  • moderating
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