IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by ‎almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this ‎disturbing trend.‎

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There
is
Wrong verb form
has been
show examples
 a 20% rise
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 overweight adolescents in
western
Capitalize word
Western
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 society in
Linking Words
last
Correct article usage
the last
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one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
decade.
This
Linking Words
 is mainly because of less physical activity and dependency on junk food.
Due to
Linking Words
 these causes, there are a number of effects on the
health
Use synonyms
. One of the major
contributor
Change to a plural noun
contributors
show examples
of
Change preposition
to
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this
Linking Words
 issue is that children are sitting in front of electronic devices.
This
Linking Words
 means that they are spending more time watching screens and
due to
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 that their physical movement is reduced.
As a result
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, they are becoming more couch potatoes.
Secondly
Linking Words
, nutrition plays a vital role
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
child's
Correct article usage
a child's
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 good
health
Use synonyms
. Nowadays,
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
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 are eating more fast
foods
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of
home cooked
Add a hyphen
home-cooked
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 food
because
Correct word choice
and because
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 of that their weight is increasing significantly. These fast
foods
Use synonyms
 are
only
Rephrase
not only
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 unhealthy, but they are
unhygenic
Correct your spelling
unhygienic
 as well.
For example
Linking Words
, an article published in The New York Times that fast
foods
Use synonyms
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 compared with drugs which are considered to be addictive and cause
numerious
Correct your spelling
numerous
health
Use synonyms
 complications. There are some negative effects of
this
Linking Words
 trend. Obesity makes a child more lazy which can affect its
cognetive
Correct your spelling
cognitive
 development in the growing years.
For instance
Linking Words
, every school have a sports period in their curriculum, which
indicated
Wrong verb form
indicates
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 that exercise is as much as important as studies.
Beacuse
Correct your spelling
Because
 it is seen that children who maintain a good physique, do well in studies. Another negative effect of
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
show examples
 is that it
weaks
Correct your spelling
weakens
 your immune system which leads to recurring
health
Use synonyms
 problems like flu, cold and more.
To conclude
Linking Words
,in the
recent
Correct word choice
past
show examples
 ten years, we have seen
20
Correct article usage
a 20
show examples
% hike
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 overweight children in
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
 culture, which is influenced by junk
foods
Use synonyms
 and minimal physical
excersion
Correct your spelling
exercise
 which give rise to
health
Use synonyms
 issues like obesity and
weak
Correct article usage
a weak
show examples
 immune system.

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task achievement
Your introduction needs to clearly outline the topic and provide a brief overview of the main points you will discuss. Consider rephrasing the question to create a stronger thesis statement.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that outlines the main idea. This will help in maintaining logical flow throughout the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to check your writing for grammatical errors and awkward phrasing. This can distract from your ideas and reduce clarity. For example, 'offsprings' should be 'offspring', and 'cognetive' should be 'cognitive'.
coherence and cohesion
Use more varied sentence structures to make your writing more engaging. This can help improve the overall flow and readability.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples to support your points, such as the comparison of fast food to drugs, which adds depth to your argument.
task achievement
The essay addresses both the causes and effects of the trend, which demonstrates a good understanding of the task requirements.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyles
  • advancements in technology
  • physical activities
  • availability
  • popularity
  • fast food
  • high-calorie
  • marketed aggressively
  • preferred choice
  • lack of awareness
  • education
  • healthy eating habits
  • nutritional values
  • dietary choices
  • physical
  • psychological
  • risk
  • developing
  • serious health problems
  • diabetes
  • high blood pressure
  • heart disease
  • bullying
  • social isolation
  • low self-esteem
  • depression
  • anxiety
  • long-term impact
  • quality of life
  • personal and professional life
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