IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree? Beka

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Sugary
products
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 are very popular among
people
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 of all ages, especially children.
But
Correct word choice
However
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 many of these
products
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 are unhealthy because they contain too much
sugar
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. Some
people
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 believe making them more expensive can help
people
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 to stop eating them. I partly agree with
this
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 idea. On one hand, making
sugar
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products
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 more expensive can reduce the amount
people
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 buy. If something is too expensive,
people
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 will think twice before buying it.
For example
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, if a bottle of soda becomes twice as expensive, many
people
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 may stop drinking it every day.
This
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 can help
people
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 to live
more
Add an article
a more
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 healthy life. In some countries,
this
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 idea already works well. Tax on
sugar
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 drinks made
people
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 more careful about their diet.
However
Linking Words
, just making things expensive is not the best solution. Some
people
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, like children or
people
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 who don’t care about the price, will still buy these
products
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.
Also
Linking Words
, some poor
people
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 might suffer because they
may not
Verb problem
cannot
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 afford other healthy food and still eat unhealthy food. I think education is more important. If
people
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 understand how
sugar
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 is bad for health, they will stop eating too much of it. In conclusion, increasing the price of sugary
products
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 can help a little, but it is not enough. Education and awareness are more effective ways to reduce
sugar
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 consumption in society.

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task achievement
Expand on your points with more specific examples or statistics where possible. While you have mentioned a tax on sugary drinks, providing more detailed examples would strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure a clearer transition between your ideas. For example, when introducing your second main point, a phrase that connects it more clearly to your first point would enhance the overall flow of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction clearly states your position, and the structure of your essay follows a logical progression from argument to counterargument and conclusion.
task achievement
You provide a balanced view by acknowledging the limitations of making sugary products more expensive, which demonstrates critical thinking.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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