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Writing Samples
Band 5

Mobile phones and the internet bring a lot of benefits to people nowadays. However, older people use them the least. In what aspects do mobile phones and the internet benefit older people? How can we encourage them to use these technologies?

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The development of
technology
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 brings convenience to people. Nowadays, elders do not
use
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 smartphones and the
internet
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 that much. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss the advantages of
technology
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 to the elderly and the solution to enhance their usage of them.
Firstly
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, staying connected is one of the benefits of using cell phones and the
Internet
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. That can help the elderly keep in touch with their friends without leaving home, because the function of the body might decrease as
the
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they
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 growth
ages
Correct subject-verb agreement
age
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, which could be
a barriers
Correct the article-noun agreement
a barrier
barriers
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of hang
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to hanging
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 outside,
thus
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, using
technology
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 is a
safety
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safe
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 way to keep
connection
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connected
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 with friends.
As well as
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 keep in touch with families that they built their own families and can not come home as they were children.
Moreover
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, video calls can let grandparents see their grandchildren
by
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on
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Use synonyms
Internet
Add an article
the Internet
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. Learning how to
use
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 new
technology
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 can break the distance between people, and declining the loneliness feeling.
However
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, encouraging them to
use
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 the
Internet
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 and
cellphones
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cell phones
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 needs a lot of patience, older population can not learn as fast as the young generation,
thus
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 we need to step by step teaching them clearly, and try hard not to yell at them.
On the other hand
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, choosing
simplelize
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a simple
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 cell phone could be an option for the elderly, because they do not need to have a difficult function in their phones, the major part should be a significant icon so that they can find applications easily. In conclusion, I believe the profits of old people
use
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 mobile phones and the
Internet
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 to enrich their emotions and maintain the connection with friends and families, but much help by choosing the suitable devices.

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task achievement
Provide more detailed examples to support your points, such as specific technologies that have helped elderly people connect or statistics about their usage.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure a clearer structure by explicitly stating the two main points in your introduction. Each paragraph should also begin with a clear topic sentence summarizing the main idea of the paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Pay attention to vocabulary and grammar. For example, use 'barrier' instead of 'barriers' and 'simplified' instead of 'simplelize'.
content
You presented valid points about the benefits of technology for elderly people and the challenges they face in using it.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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