IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that women should be able to join their country’s army and police forces, but others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Nowadays people
divided
Add a missing verb
are divided
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 in opinions,
while
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 some think that
women
Use synonyms
 should have equal rights with
men
Use synonyms
 to have
an
Change the article
the
show examples
 ability to join
military
Correct article usage
the military
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 and police, others believe that those professions are more suitable for boys rather than girls. I strongly believe that ladies should be equal
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
men
Use synonyms
 and be able to join any profession they want. In
this
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 essay let us discuss both sides of
this
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 argument and reach a reasonable conclusion. On the one hand, every human being should have the same rights and opportunities regardless their gender.
Therefore
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,
women
Use synonyms
 must have
an
Change the article
the
show examples
 ability to work anywhere they want if they pass the same exams and
physically
Change the word
physical
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mental
Correct word choice
and mental
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 preparation as others.
Additionally
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, they can even be better than gentlemen in some aspects
such
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 as communication skills and empathy to others.
On the other hand
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, biologically
men
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 are bigger, more mentally stable and physically stronger than
women
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, which is crucial in
such
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 jobs. As in
such
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 works employees are in danger every day, they pass challenging exams and
trainings
Change the wording
training
pieces of training
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 which are less suitable for
women
Use synonyms
 as
strenght
Correct your spelling
strength
 plays
significant
Add an article
a significant
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 role in it.
For instance
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, during
the
Correct article usage
apply
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war or combat situations, physical strength plays the most crucial role as any soldier and officer must be ready
to
Change preposition
for
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 an emergency situation whenever it happens.
To conclude
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,
women
Use synonyms
 are rarely taken to jobs like army and police as some people believe that
men
Use synonyms
 are more suitable for it,
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however
Add the comma(s)
however,
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 if ladies think that they can make it, they should not be stopped. I think that equality of genders is the key to a better society in the future.

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lexical resources
Try to use more varied vocabulary to express your ideas more precisely, as this will enhance the clarity of your arguments.
task achievement
Ensure all points are developed fully with clear examples or explanations to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear opinion in favor of women's rights to join the military and police forces.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of the essay is logical, with an introduction, body paragraphs discussing both views, and a clear conclusion.
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