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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people spend most of their lives, living close to where they were born. What might be the reasons for this? What are the advantages and disadvantages?

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Certain demographics of
people
Use synonyms
 prefer staying near their
hometown
Use synonyms
 for
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 long period of time. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 is mainly to remain intact with their values. There are pros and cons to
this
Linking Words
 approach which will be discussed in the subsequent paragraphs.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the main reason behind choosing their
hometown
Use synonyms
 is to stay connected to their
culture
Replace the word
cultural
show examples
 roots. To elaborate
further
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,
this
Linking Words
 can help
people
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 to remain in contact with their family members and relatives and inculcate
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 cultural values to their children.
This
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 will make them feel more lively and important as compared to living with different ethnicities. To exemplify, Asians living in
western
Capitalize word
Western
show examples
 countries can feel disconnected from their culture and religion, resulting in
sense
Correct article usage
a sense
show examples
 of loneliness. The major benefit of staying close to family is the financial and emotional support. Individuals can face
lot
Change the article
a lot
show examples
 of difficulties,
such
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 as renting out a place, making new friends,
starting
Correct word choice
and starting
show examples
 a new life from scratch
while
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 migrating to
different
Add an article
a different
show examples
 country.
However
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,
this
Linking Words
 can be easily tackled by staying close to one’s
hometown
Use synonyms
 with
parents
Change noun form
parents'
parent's
show examples
 support.
To
Change preposition
On
show examples
 the downside,
this
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 can hinder
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
personal
as well as
Linking Words
 career growth .
People
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 can limit themselves from exploring different opportunities. Despite all the struggles that individual
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
might face moving from their
people
Use synonyms
,
this
Linking Words
 can teach them life lessons and offer them great opportunities to improve their lifestyle. In conclusion,
people
Use synonyms
 usually prefer living near their
hometown
Use synonyms
 to remain intact with their
culture
Replace the word
cultural
show examples
 values
while
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this
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 approach can be helpful in terms of finances and emotions, individuals can lose great opportunities

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Task Achievement
Ensure that each point is clearly supported with examples or further explanation. This could enhance the clarity and persuasiveness of your argument.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to use a wider range of cohesive devices (such as transitional phrases) to improve the flow of ideas between sentences and paragraphs.
Coherence and Cohesion
Expand your conclusion to reiterate your main points more strongly and provide a final thought that highlights the significance of the topic.
Task Achievement
You have a clear introduction that sets up the discussion well, and your main points are relevant to the question.
Task Achievement
Your essay attempts to address both advantages and disadvantages, which shows a balanced approach to the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Familiarity
  • Comfort
  • Social ties
  • Family ties
  • Belonging
  • Resources
  • Opportunities
  • Fear
  • Unknown
  • Financial constraints
  • Cultural attachment
  • Language barriers
  • Limited education
  • Skills
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