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Band 7.5

The bar chart below shows a survey of a group of young professional aged 20 to 30 years old who ere asked to state which factors motivated them to succeed.

The bar chart below shows a survey of a group of young professional aged 20 to 30 years old who ere asked to state which factors motivated them to succeed.
The bar chart illustrates a survey of a young working age group between 18-30 and 45-60
years
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 old on the factors that motivated them to have success at
work
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.
Overall
Linking Words
, professionals aged
betweeen
Correct your spelling
between
 18-30
years
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 were more psyched up at
work
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 compared to 45-60
years
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 old.
Moreover
Linking Words
, a chance for personal development positively affected the employee's
work
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 performance.
However
Linking Words
, the
work
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 environment factor caused less motivation among the
staffs
Fix the agreement mistake
staff
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. On the one hand, a chance for personal development was popular among individuals aged 18-30
years
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 with almost 90 participants
while
Linking Words
 money was perceived as the greatest motivator for people between 45-60
years
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 with nearly 75 voters. In the former, the proportion of 18-30
years
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 old workers was
two fold
Correct your spelling
twofold
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 of staff who aged 45-60
years
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.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, job security and
work
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 environment offered the least morale in all the two age brackets involved in the study.
However
Linking Words
, job security gained an equal number of votes from 18-30
years
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 old and 45-60
years
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 old with approximately 30 professionals.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words years, work with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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