IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

"Fatherhood ought to be emphasised as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up." To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Fatherhood is the word we haven’t heard especially often in the past. It is
due to
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 the fact, that gender roles were established and have not been changing for a
while
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 until around 100 years ago. In those
roles
Add a comma
roles,
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 father was rather a provider, than a parent figure.
However
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, in recent decades it’s started to change.
Modern
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The modern
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 world is much more equal than any other society we’ve ever known. And both
man
Fix the agreement mistake
men
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 and women are equal in
question
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the question
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 of having babies. Modern man has quite an arsenal of instruments to not make a baby if he doesn’t want it, starting with condoms and finishing with vasectomy.
Woman
Fix the agreement mistake
Women
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 have even more instruments for the same purpose: condoms as well,
gynecological
Change the spelling
gynaecological
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 spiral, oral contraceptives and so on. Those arguments, in my opinion, make both sides equally responsible for deciding whether or not
have
Fix the infinitive
to have
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 babies. If any side fails to use those instruments
although
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 it doesn’t want a baby and
then
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 just leaves it to decide for another side – it’s not about motherhood or fatherhood – it’s about avoiding those.
However
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, I
also
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 think, that fatherhood, as a phenomenon in
society
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society,
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 is not developed enough. Modern fathers are much more engaged in
lives
Correct article usage
the lives
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 of their children
,
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apply
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 than fathers in
50th
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the 50th
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 or even 90th, but there is still a lot of work to do. I believe, that active, interested in his child father must become an attractive role model for young men in future. It will lead us to
a
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apply
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healthier mentally and physically children, which will lead us to
healthier
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a healthier
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 society.

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task achievement
Ensure that all points are well supported with clear examples or further explanation to strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Aim for clearer topic sentences at the start of each paragraph to help the reader follow your argument more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the variety of vocabulary and sentence structure to make your writing more engaging.
task achievement
You have provided a relevant perspective on gender roles and parental responsibility, which adds depth to your argument.
task achievement
Your essay touches on important themes of modern fatherhood and the evolution of gender roles, making it socially relevant.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • 1. Equal Parenting
  • 2. Gender Roles
  • 3. Societal Expectations
  • 4. Emotional Well-being
  • 5. Psychological Development
  • 6. Legal Frameworks
  • 7. Workplace Policies
  • 8. Gender Equality
  • 9. Traditional Responsibilities
  • 10. Active Fatherhood
  • 11. Balanced Development
  • 12. Undue Burden
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