IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Fatherhood ought to be emphasised as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up." To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Fatherhood is the word we haven’t heard especially often in the past. It is
due to
Linking Words
 the fact, that gender roles were established and have not been changing for a
while
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 until around 100 years ago. In those roles,
father
Correct article usage
the father
show examples
 was rather a provider, than a parent figure.
However
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, in recent decades it’s started to change. The modern world is much more equal than any other society we’ve ever known. And both men and women are equal in the question of having babies. Modern man has quite an arsenal of instruments to not make a baby if he doesn’t want it, starting with condoms and finishing with vasectomy. Women have even more instruments for the same purpose: condoms as well, gynaecological spiral, oral contraceptives and so on. Those arguments, in my opinion, make both sides equally responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies. If any side fails to use those instruments
although
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 it doesn’t want a baby and
then
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 just leaves it to decide for another side – it’s not about motherhood or fatherhood – it’s about avoiding those.
However
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, I
also
Linking Words
 think, that fatherhood, as a phenomenon in society, is not developed enough. Modern fathers are much more engaged in the lives of their children
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 than fathers in the 50th or even 90th, but there is still a lot of work to do. I believe, that active, interested in his child father must become an attractive role model for young men in future. It will lead us to healthier mentally and physically children, which will lead us to a healthier society.

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear argument but could benefit from more detailed exploration of the points you raise. Consider expanding on the societal changes regarding fatherhood and the role of men in child-rearing.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use linking words and phrases to connect ideas more smoothly. This will enhance the flow of your essay and make it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to proofread for minor grammatical errors, such as punctuation and unnecessary commas, which can distract from your main points.
content
Your introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion on fatherhood and gender roles, providing context for your arguments.
content
You have provided relevant points regarding shared responsibilities in parenthood, which reflects an understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • 1. Equal Parenting
  • 2. Gender Roles
  • 3. Societal Expectations
  • 4. Emotional Well-being
  • 5. Psychological Development
  • 6. Legal Frameworks
  • 7. Workplace Policies
  • 8. Gender Equality
  • 9. Traditional Responsibilities
  • 10. Active Fatherhood
  • 11. Balanced Development
  • 12. Undue Burden
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