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Writing Samples
Band 5

More and more fathers are taking a break from their careers so that they can stay home and take care of their children while their wives work. This is better for the family than having both parents work full time. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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There is no denying the fact that many
fathers
Use synonyms
 decide to take a break from their jobs to dedicate most of
the
Change the word
their
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time
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 to their home and children
while
Linking Words
 their wives are still working. At the same
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time
Add a comma
time,
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 there is a commonly held belief that one of the parents should quit working to give better care for their kids, there is
also
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 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that taking a break from
work
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 can
cause
Verb problem
have
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 a lot of negative impacts
for
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on
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fathers
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.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the decision to leave
work
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 may cause a decline in a father’s career, which leads him to miss the developments that happen in their field.
In other words
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, jobs markets are constantly changing and evolving, employees must stay in parallel with these changes to preserve their value.
In addition
Linking Words
, taking a break from pursuing careers may result in losing a sense of
work
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 and staying out of competition.
For example
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, if either of the parents worked in the fast-paced technology industry and chose to take a two-year break, they might struggle to catch up with the new tools and trends. Another point to consider
Add a missing verb
is, Spending
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, Spending
Correct your spelling
that spending
 the whole
time
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 at home without any professional achievement will lead to mental health problems. It is
also
Linking Words
 possible to say that seeing the accomplishments of other co-workers and their improvements can make some
fathers
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 feel unproductive and undervalued, leading to inner conflicts and
feeling depressed
Wrong verb form
depression
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.
Moreover
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,
fathers
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 will face a lot of free
time
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, since children spend half of their
time
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school
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at school
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,
while
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 moms are busy at
work
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, leading to developing many bad habits
such
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 as fast-food addiction, and smoking.
For example
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,
a
Correct article usage
apply
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several
of
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apply
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phychological
Correct your spelling
psychological
 research stated that most
of
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apply
show examples
males are more likely to get depressed if they don’t have any productive activities in their day. In conclusion, despite people having different views, I believe that
fathers
Use synonyms
 should not quit their
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 to maintain their productivity and mental health, and
this
Linking Words
 will be better for the family.

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task achievement
Further develop your ideas with additional examples or explanations. For instance, when discussing the impact on mental health, you could include specific statistics or studies that support your claim.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that your paragraphs have clear topic sentences. This will improve the logical flow and help the reader understand your main points more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words and phrases to connect your ideas smoothly. This includes transitional phrases that can guide the reader through your arguments.
task achievement
You present a clear opinion on the topic and provide reasons to support it. Your position is stated clearly in the introduction and conclusion, which helps to guide the reader.
task achievement
The essay addresses an important and relevant topic related to contemporary family dynamics, which makes it engaging and relatable.
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