IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

All students should be required to study art and music in secondary school

It is true that, nowadays the demand for science is mounting day by day. Yet, some people believe that all pupils have to be required to learn art, and
music
Use synonyms
 in secondary schools,
While
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 others do not think so. Personally, I completely disagree with
this
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 statement. In
this
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 essay, I will explain some reasons that can support my opinion. On the one hand, the first reason for my dissatisfaction is that the technology is developing rapidly and
successing
Correct your spelling
succeeding
success
.
As a result
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,
this
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 positive development gives us many benefits.
For instance
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, it facilitates household chores, intervenes
transportation
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in transportation
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 problems,
gives
Correct word choice
and gives
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 students a chance to find
information
Correct article usage
the information
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 which they need.
Moreover
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,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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automation can predict natural disasters and prevent them. If I think
throughly
Correct your spelling
thoroughly
 about it, the
base
Correct your spelling
basis
show examples
off
Replace the word
of
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 all improvements is science.
In addition
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, the subject is
such
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 a vital thing that we do not achieve anything without it.
On the other hand
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, art and
music
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 provide
masterpiece
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masterpieces
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 and albums that offer an opportunity to unwind after a long day. Added to
this
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, these subjects are the first knowledge that
were
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was
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 discovered in history.
For
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In
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 fact, ancient tribes drew lots of pictures on the
wall
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walls
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 of caves and played
music
Use synonyms
 at
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
nights
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night
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. In my opinion, they convey our nationality and history.
By
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In
show examples
this
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 way, we can praise our tradition to the world. By the way of conclusion, to summarize all of these valuable concepts,
Although
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 it is a common belief that we need art and
music
Use synonyms
, I completely disapprove
it
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of it
show examples
. I want everybody to study biology, chemistry, physics, and computer technology.

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task achievement
Consider providing a clearer thesis statement that outlines your main points of disagreement with the necessity of art and music in schools. This will help guide the reader through your reasoning.
coherence
Ensure that your sections have a smoother flow. Use transition words or phrases to connect your ideas better between paragraphs.
task achievement
While you mention some benefits of science, it would be beneficial to incorporate more specific examples or counterarguments to strengthen your position.
task achievement
You provide a clear personal opinion which is important for argumentative essays.
task achievement
The historical context you provide regarding art and music adds depth to your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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