IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays some celebrity such as actors sportsmen and pop musician are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree?which jobs should be highly paid,?

It is commonly believed by some people that celebrities should have high remuneration. I agree with
this
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 statement to a high extent because there are some other skilled jobs which require high wages
such
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 as doctors, and scientists. One prominent reason why
hefty
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the hefty
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amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
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 of money should be paid to stars is that they entertain and inspire
public
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the public
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 as it is generally seen that some actors
,
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apply
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 and athletes are the role models of young society
due to
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 which they have to invest a lot in maintaining their physical appearance so that children can follow them and it affects individuals in a positive manner.
As a result
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,
young
Correct article usage
the young
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 population are influenced to achieve the same goals. Another reason to consider that they have paid high salaries is that they have to sacrifice their personal life completely and they cannot enjoy their life as normal community do because they are always followed by photographers and reporters.
Moreover
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, their children always need security.
Last
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 but not least, they have short career spans. They start their career at the age of 19-20 and retire at 33-35 age and often they have to struggle.
Consequently
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, they should be paid sufficient wages. I believe that there are various important sectors
such
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 as doctors, scientists, the Navy and the army which serve their country and require reasonable income because they sacrifice their lives for the protection of a nation.
As a result
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, these sectors
also
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 require high payment.
To conclude
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, celebrities have required high salaries but other important sectors cannot be denied especially the Navy, the army, doctors and so on.

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Task Achievement
While the essay largely fulfills the task, it could include a more nuanced discussion on the implications of celebrity salaries compared to other high-paying roles. Exploring counterarguments could enhance the depth of your response.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your points are generally clear, but improved transitions between ideas could strengthen the flow of the essay. Consider using linking phrases to further guide the reader through your arguments.
Task Achievement
The essay presents a clear opinion and provides reasons to support it, indicating a well-developed stance on the issue.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is a logical progression of ideas, and the paragraphs are focused on specific aspects of the argument, which aids in understanding the main points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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