IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people feels that entertainer such as film stars, pop musicians or sports starts are paid too much money. 1. Do you agree or disagree. 2.Which other types of jobs should be highly paid.

One part of society thinks that people in the entertainment or sports industry are highly paid. I completely agree with it because there are many other
fields
Use synonyms
 which are very significant in terms of
Correct article usage
the economical
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economical
Replace the word
economic
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 and social development of a nation. I will explain
in
Correct pronoun usage
this in
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 On one side, the majority of parents nowadays are pushing their children's careers towards the sports and entertainment field because they think it is the easiest way to achieve success as people working in these
fields
Use synonyms
 earn millions and billions just in a year.
For example
Linking Words
: the IPL (Indian Premium League) is conducted in India after two years in the Cricket sport, and trillions are spent on the bidding of players.
Hence
Linking Words
, a person can earn On the other side, in countries like India where a major part of
population
Add an article
the population
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 struggles with their daily bread and butter,
such
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 a partial system widens the difference between rich and poor in communities.
Additionally
Linking Words
, developing societies require a huge amount of funds for their growth in terms of infrastructure, technology, education, health, research and development and so on.
Instead
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 of investing money in celebrities, governments In conclusion, I would sum up by saying that for a nation's growth, it is an urgent need that the government should offer high pay jobs in various essential
fields
Use synonyms
 of society, resulting in, youngsters getting encouraged to pursue their careers in appropriate industries, thereby, different
fields
Use synonyms
 can grow, and a country does not have to depend upon other

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task achievement
Consider adding more details and examples to support your points, especially in describing why other jobs are more deserving of high pay.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the logical flow between paragraphs by using clearer transition phrases and bridging ideas to improve cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to fully articulate your conclusion by summarizing your key points more explicitly and re-emphasizing your stance.
task achievement
You clearly state your opinion early in the essay, which helps guide the reader.
task achievement
The essay addresses the prompt and discusses both sides of the argument, showing a balanced view.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • entertainers
  • film stars
  • pop musicians
  • sports stars
  • market demand
  • industry revenue
  • unique skills
  • extensive training
  • cultural value
  • impact
  • essential professions
  • teachers
  • nurses
  • social workers
  • disparity
  • societal values
  • compensation
  • reskill
  • profession
  • training
  • education
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