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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Nowadays many people complain that they have difficulties getting enough sleep. What problems can lack of sleep cause? What can be done about lack of sleep?

In
this
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 contemporary era, individuals are not giving priority to proper sleep patterns.In
this
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 way, they will not solely kill their physical energy but their mental health as well. A number of
people
Use synonyms
 are facing the problem of inadequate sleep. What factors can give rise to
such
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 a situation and what measures can tackle
this
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 rising issue which will be discussed in subsequent paragraphs.
To begin
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 with, there are a plethora of reasons why
people
Use synonyms
 do not get the required sleep.
Due to
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 constant competition in the market,
every body
Correct your spelling
everybody
show examples
 is contributing more than required at their workplace in order to keep their position safe.
This
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 leads to an increase in workload .Unfortunately, they start ignoring other important things in their life like sleep.
For instance
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, there was a survey done in the
Austrailian
Correct your spelling
Australian
 Company about sleeping
hours
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 among all age groups.
People
Use synonyms
 in the age group 25-30 are working more
hours
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 than all other age groups which can lead to improper sleep.
Moreover
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, getting improper sleep can affect a person mentally.
Every body's
Correct your spelling
Everybody's
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 mind needs rest to restart the next day. Sleeping on time will rejuvenate a person's mind and boost energy for the next day.In case, they are not given enough
hour
Fix the agreement mistake
hours
show examples
 to sleep.
As a result
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, brains stop working and give rise to other problems like mental stress. There number of ways that can help to reduce the problem of sleep.Every organisation needs to provide flexible
hours
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 .
Moreover
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,
instead
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 of giving overtime, they can employ more
people
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.
This
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 can bring stability in
hours
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 among employees
Hence
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, less workload will be divided among them and can reach home on time.The government can allocate funds to campaigns regarding the importance of sleep.There is a need for awareness in society about how sleep can affect their mental health.
Hence
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,
people
Use synonyms
 will not compromise their mental well-being. In conclusion,
people
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 need to get proper sleep rather than spend more than the required hour on another thing.Lacking in one thing can sometimes affect other things as well.So, they need to bring balance in everything and sleep properly is one of them.

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coherence and cohesion
The introduction effectively presents the topic and outlines the main points to be discussed. However, try to rephrase or improve the phrasing for smoother flow.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to complete your thoughts in each paragraph. Some sentences were incomplete or lacked clarity, impacting the overall coherence. Aim for full sentences with clear connections.
task achievement
Include more specific examples and statistics to support your main points, as this will showcase a deeper understanding of the topic and enhance your argument.
task achievement
Ensure proper punctuation and avoid typing errors, such as 'Austrailian' which should be 'Australian', to maintain a high level of professionalism in your writing.
task achievement
You have clearly identified the main issues related to lack of sleep and presented potential solutions. This shows a good understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay contains a logical flow of ideas and transitions between paragraphs are noted, demonstrating an understanding of coherence.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Insomnia
  • Sleep deprivation
  • Sleep disorders
  • Sleep quality
  • Fatigue
  • Exhaustion
  • Restless
  • Restorative sleep
  • REM sleep
  • Circadian rhythm
  • Sleep hygiene
  • Napping
  • Sleep duration
  • Melatonin
  • Sleep-inducing
  • Drowsiness
  • Sleep disturbances
  • Obstructive sleep apnea
  • Snoring
  • Sleepwalking
  • Sleep talking
  • Shift work
  • Sleeping pills
  • Sleep aid
  • Relaxation techniques
  • Meditation
  • Deep breathing
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