IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays, parents put too much pressure on their children to succeed. What is the reason for doing this? Is this a positive or negative development?

In recent years,
children
Use synonyms
are
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 forced by their
parents
Use synonyms
 to
become
Verb problem
live
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
successful person in their life.
This
Linking Words
 is because
parents
Use synonyms
 have fewer
children
Use synonyms
 and they are very concerned about
working
Replace the word
work
show examples
competitions
Fix the agreement mistake
competition
show examples
. I vehemently believe
this
Linking Words
 to be a negative idea
due to
Linking Words
 the risk of mental disorders and
doing
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
unexpected reactions from
children
Use synonyms
. One of the main reasons why these days
parents
Use synonyms
 put
pressures
Fix the agreement mistake
pressure
show examples
 on their
children
Use synonyms
 is having fewer
children
Use synonyms
 compared to the past. In many
countries
Add a comma
countries,
show examples
 families are very small and with only one or two
children
Use synonyms
.
Thus
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 can allocate more
time
Use synonyms
 for each one of them and in many cases, it leads to excessive attention to
children
Use synonyms
. Over
time
Use synonyms
,
this
Linking Words
 focus on the
future
Use synonyms
 and success of the
children
Use synonyms
 becomes an obsession and leads to more pressure on them. Another reason is parent’s concern about their
Use synonyms
children’s
Use synonyms
future
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
work. Nowadays, there is plenty of
competitions
Fix the agreement mistake
competition
show examples
 in job positions, so families start to prepare their
children
Use synonyms
 for their
future
Use synonyms
 since their childhood. In order for them to be successful, each child needs plenty of attention and planning from the early years of school and
parents
Use synonyms
 see themselves as the main supporter and responsible person to guide them. When
parents
Use synonyms
 put a large amount of pressure on their
children
Use synonyms
, in the long term it could lead to many mental disorders in
children
Use synonyms
. A child needs to play and spend
time
Use synonyms
 with other
children
Use synonyms
. When
parents
Use synonyms
 limit their
children
Use synonyms
 from these entertainments and force them to put
efforts
Fix the agreement mistake
effort
show examples
on
Change preposition
into
show examples
 studies and achieving different goals, they gradually become isolated and even depressed. Other than that,
children
Use synonyms
 might become stubborn. When
parents
Use synonyms
 ask their
children
Use synonyms
 to do whatever they
wanted
Wrong verb form
want
show examples
, regardless of
Use synonyms
children’s
Use synonyms
potentials
Fix the agreement mistake
potential
show examples
, over
time
Use synonyms
children
Use synonyms
 start to resist them and they even might act exactly in another way
that
Correct word choice
than
show examples
 their
parents
Use synonyms
initially
Linking Words
 expected.
As a result
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
children’s
Use synonyms
future
Use synonyms
 not only would not be successful, but it could be a complete failure. In conclusion, in
modern
Add an article
the modern
show examples
 world,
children
Use synonyms
 are under plenty of
pressures
Fix the agreement mistake
pressure
show examples
 from their
parents
Use synonyms
 to become successful.
This
Linking Words
 is because of smaller families and
also
Linking Words
parents
Use synonyms
’ huge concern
of
Change preposition
about
show examples
 their
Use synonyms
children’s
Use synonyms
 working opportunities.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 amount of pressure could end up with
Use synonyms
children’s
Use synonyms
 isolation and stubbornness in achieving their goals.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your introduction clearly states the topic but could benefit from a more specific thesis statement outlining the main points you will discuss.
coherence and cohesion
While your ideas are generally well-organized, try to use clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader more effectively.
task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples or evidence to support your claims, particularly about mental disorders and children's reactions.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion summarizes the main points, but it could be stronger by briefly restating your key arguments and emphasizing the implications of your analysis.
task achievement
You clearly identify various reasons why parents pressure their children, which demonstrates your understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both the reasons for parental pressure and its negative consequences, showing a balanced perspective.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Excessive pressure
  • Academic achievements
  • Professional success
  • Secure future
  • Social comparison
  • Competitive environment
  • Psychological impact
  • Stress and anxiety
  • Resilience
  • Work ethic
  • Emotional well-being
  • Supportive parenting
  • Achievements
  • Life skills
  • Balance
What to do next:
Look at other essays: