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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that parents have the most important role in a child‘s development. However, others argue that other things like television or friends have the most significant influence. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

It is widely believed that
while
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 parents play a notable
role
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 in nurturing their
child
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's psychological
development
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, external
exposure
Use synonyms
such
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 as media and friendship might
be
Verb problem
have
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 played a majority of the
role
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due to
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 the significant time spent during the
children
Use synonyms
's growth. As
the
Remove the article
apply
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both opposing views are agreed
and
Change preposition
upon and
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 disagreed by many, these two sides of the argument will be thoroughly analysed and discussed in
this
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 essay before drawing a reasoned conclusion.
Initially
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, it is commonly believed that the reason
of
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apply
show examples
why the parents influence the majority of the kid's
development
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 is
due to
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 the intensive parenting
role
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 in
first
Correct article usage
the first
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5-years
Correct your spelling
5 years
 of
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children's
Change noun form
achild's
show examples
 life.
For instance
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, toddlers' first learning experiences of walking, speaking, and writing are based on a natural observation
to
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of
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 their parent's
role
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. 
In addition
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,
this
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 might be the reason why many traumatic symptoms of the majority of
the
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apply
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people
is
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are
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 rooted
from
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in
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 their past
chilhood
Correct your spelling
childhood
 experiences.
Therefore
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, it is predictably undeniable that parental figures still
affect
Verb problem
play
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 a major
role
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 in their
children
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's character growth.
On the other hand
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,
the
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apply
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external
exposure
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 including media and
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child's
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a child's
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 external relations could
be affecting
Wrong verb form
affect
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children
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's growth, which might
be depends
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be depending
show examples
 on the
exposure
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 time and intensity.
For example
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, youngsters who study in a boarding school for a long time might be developing a different habit to the ones in a
home-school
Correct your spelling
home school
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. To illustrate, the
children
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 from a boarding school may be becoming more extroverted than the home-schooled
due to
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 the frequent
exposure
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 to numerous students.
Hence
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, it
also
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 makes sense that
the
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apply
show examples
external factors aside from parenting could be the major factor. In summary, both of the arguments give valid reasons
to
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for
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 a
child
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's
development
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 contributor, which will
be vary
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vary
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 specifically to certain cases.
However
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, I personally
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
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 that
the
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apply
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parental figures are the major contributor to a
child
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's
development
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 since they play a critical
role
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 in the first
5-years
Correct your spelling
5 years
 of
golden
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the golden
a golden
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 age.
Hence
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, after conducting
thorough
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a thorough
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 analysis, it is recommended
for
Correct word choice
that
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 parents
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
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take a parenting class
due to
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 the significant impact that they might
affect
Verb problem
have
show examples
.

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Task Achievement
The essay provides a balanced view on the roles of parents and external influences, touching on both perspectives adequately. However, the arguments could be more developed with deeper analysis and stronger examples.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction clearly outlines the purpose of the essay and presents both sides of the argument. The conclusion summarizes your view well but could reinforce the analysis to strengthen your final stance.
Task Achievement
While the main points are generally supported, there are instances where more specific examples or evidence could reinforce the arguments presented. Consider elaborating on the impact of parenting and external influences with real-life examples or studies.
Coherence and Cohesion
There are some grammatical inaccuracies and awkward phrasings that slightly hinder clarity (e.g., 'which might be played a majority of the role'). Reviewing these can help improve overall fluency.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay presents a clear structure with an introduction, two body paragraphs discussing different viewpoints, and a conclusion that summarizes your opinion on the matter.
Task Achievement
You effectively highlight the significant early years in a child's life and how they are shaped by both parental influence and peer interaction, which is a thoughtful approach to the topic.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • foundational role
  • holistic development
  • direct influence
  • emotional growth
  • moral values
  • discipline
  • significant influence
  • behavior
  • perspectives
  • profound impact
  • social skills
  • balancing
  • screen time
  • peer interaction
  • parental guidance
  • explores their independence
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