IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that parents have the most important role in a child‘s development. However, others argue that other things like television or friends have the most significant influence. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

It is widely believed that
while
Linking Words
 parents play a notable
role
Use synonyms
 in nurturing their
children
Use synonyms
's psychological
development
Use synonyms
, external
exposure
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as media and friendship might play a majority
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
role
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
significant
Correct article usage
the significant
show examples
 time spent during the
children
Use synonyms
's growth. As
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
both opposing views are agreed
and
Change preposition
upon and
show examples
 disagreed by many, 
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
I think a
better affecting
Add a hyphen
better-affecting
show examples
 factor is a parental figure because of their intensive influence
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 early
age
Use synonyms
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, it is commonly believed that the reason why parents influence heavily on their own kid's
development
Use synonyms
 is
due to
Linking Words
 the intensive parenting
role
Use synonyms
 in the first 5 years of
children
Use synonyms
's golden
age
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
, it is undeniable that the golden
age
Use synonyms
 period plays
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 critical
role
Use synonyms
 in developing a person's
habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
show examples
 and character.
For instance
Linking Words
, recent research concluded that
childrens'
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 trait is based on the first learning experience and observations
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their caregivers.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is predictably undeniable that parental figures still
affect
Verb problem
play
show examples
 a major
role
Use synonyms
 in their
children
Use synonyms
's character growth.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
external
exposure
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as media and external relations could
also
Linking Words
 affect
children
Use synonyms
's growth, even though it still depends on
exposure
Use synonyms
 time and intensity. 
For example
Linking Words
, youngsters who study in a boarding school for a long time might develop a different habit to the ones in a
home-school
Correct your spelling
home school
show examples
.
Children
Use synonyms
 from the boarding school may become more extroverted than the home-schooled
due to
Linking Words
 frequent
exposure
Use synonyms
 to numerous students.
However
Linking Words
, the character
development
Use synonyms
 that they
are developed
Wrong verb form
develop
show examples
 might still not
as
Add a missing verb
be as
show examples
 critical as the
caregivers
Change noun form
caregiver's
caregivers'
show examples
affect
Correct your spelling
effect
show examples
. In summary, both of the arguments give valid reasons
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
children
Use synonyms
's
development
Use synonyms
contributor
Replace the word
contributions
show examples
, which will vary specifically to certain cases.
However
Linking Words
, I personally
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
show examples
 that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
parental figures are the major contributor to
children
Use synonyms
's
development
Use synonyms
 because they play a critical
role
Use synonyms
 in the first 5 years of
children
Use synonyms
's golden
age
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure clarity and consistency in expressing your opinion throughout the essay. The argument could be made stronger with clearer transitions and clearer statements of opinion in each paragraph.
task achievement
Work on providing more elaboration and detail in your examples to ensure they directly support your main points. Consider including more specific examples or statistics that could strengthen your arguments.
coherence and cohesion
Consider breaking down longer sentences for better readability and clarity. This will help in making your ideas clearer to the reader.
coherence and cohesion
Be sure all parts of the essay, including the conclusion, unequivocally reflect your personal stance. Returning to the opinion presented in the introduction within the conclusion can strengthen the argument.
content
You present a balanced view of both arguments which shows a good understanding of the topic.
content
Your use of relevant examples, such as the impact of boarding schools, illustrates the points made effectively.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • foundational role
  • holistic development
  • direct influence
  • emotional growth
  • moral values
  • discipline
  • significant influence
  • behavior
  • perspectives
  • profound impact
  • social skills
  • balancing
  • screen time
  • peer interaction
  • parental guidance
  • explores their independence
What to do next:
Look at other essays: