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Writing Samples
Band 7

The pie charts below show the percentage of time working adults spent on different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant

The pie charts below show the percentage of time working adults spent on different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant
The pie charts compare the proportions of
time
Use synonyms
 workers spent on various activities in an unnamed country in the years 1958 and 2008. The data is measured in percentages.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is evident that working
time
Use synonyms
 increased significantly,
while
Linking Words
 the
time
Use synonyms
adults
Use synonyms
 spent
on
Change preposition
apply
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sleeping and meeting with family and friends declined.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the
time
Use synonyms
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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spent on other sports and hobbies remained
bearly
Correct your spelling
nearly
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 the same. In 1958, spending
time
Use synonyms
 at work accounted for one-third of
adults
Use synonyms
'
time
Use synonyms
;
however
Linking Words
, by the year 2008, working
time
Use synonyms
 increased to
become
Verb problem
apply
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42%.
Similarly
Linking Words
, in 1958,
adults
Use synonyms
 relaxed at home for 8% of their
time
Use synonyms
 but
this
Linking Words
 proportion went up by 5%, being 13% by the year 2008.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, travelling for work
time
Use synonyms
 rose from 2% to 8% in 2008.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, sleeping
time
Use synonyms
 underwent a marked decrease, falling from nearly one-third to only one-fourth of the total
time
Use synonyms
 in 2008. Meanwhile, meeting up with friends and families made up a big segment of
adults
Use synonyms
'
time
Use synonyms
 in 1958;
nevertheless
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 proportion dropped to a quarter of their
time
Use synonyms
 by the year 2008.
Finally
Linking Words
,
adults
Use synonyms
' interests and sports have a slight increase by only 2%, shifting from 6% in 1958 to 8% in 2008.

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words time, adults with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportions" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 3 times.
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