IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, too much money was spent by government and individuals on national celebration such as New Year and religious festivals. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

It is obvious that modernization made
human's
Change noun form
human
show examples
 life easier but it
aslo
Correct your spelling
also
 made it stressful.
Festivals
Use synonyms
 are one of
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 distractions people use to get away from their hardworking lives to get some relief.
Thats
Correct your spelling
That's
show examples
 why,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 is spending
large
Change the article
a large
show examples
Use synonyms
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 of money on these national celebrations.I will discuss the benefits and drawbacks of
this
Linking Words
expendature
Correct your spelling
expenditure
 in the following paragraphs.
Firstly
Linking Words
,Most of the
festivals
Use synonyms
 are
direclty
Correct your spelling
directly
 related to religions like Diwali, Christmas, Holi, Viasakhi etc.
Thats
Correct your spelling
That
 why,these
festivals
Use synonyms
plays
Correct subject-verb agreement
play
show examples
 a vital role in society which
encourage
Correct subject-verb agreement
encourages
show examples
 higher authorities to organize these events
Change preposition
on at
show examples
at
Correct your spelling
a
show examples
 larger scale.
Secondly
Linking Words
,Multinational cooperates are abusing
low wage
Add a hyphen
low-wage
show examples
 workers by providing them
massive
Change preposition
with massive
show examples
Use synonyms
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 of work even
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
after hours of their shift which
creats
Correct your spelling
creates
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 imbalance in their mental heath.Here,
Festivals
Use synonyms
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
show examples
 them to take a day off and spend with their families at
festivals
Use synonyms
 organized by
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
.
Lastly
Linking Words
,individuals love to celebrate with firecrackers.So,
its
Replace the word
it's
it is
show examples
 way better to establish a firecracker show
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 one public place for everyone than letting them
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
use firecrackers individually to reduce the
amount
Use synonyms
 of air pollution.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,Spending excessive
Use synonyms
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 of money on
festivals
Use synonyms
 can
leads
Wrong verb form
lead
show examples
 to other problems.
For example
Linking Words
, one issue will be that higher
autorities
Correct your spelling
authorities
 will
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
lack
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
cash to spend on other important concerns like Education,Healthcare,Housing and so on which can become a foundation for a
declination
Replace the word
decline
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
economy
Add an article
the economy
show examples
.
Besides
Linking Words
 that,any festival or event is for a day or mostly for a week which is not a
long term
Add a hyphen
long-term
show examples
soultion
Correct your spelling
solution
 to provide peace of mind to individuals.The
amount
Use synonyms
 of cash consumed for
such
Linking Words
short term
Add a hyphen
short-term
show examples
 solutions is a little hard to
justified
Change the form of the verb
justify
show examples
. In conclusion,I
am agree
Change the verb form
agree
show examples
 that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 should organize events
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 national
celebration
Fix the agreement mistake
celebrations
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as New Year and religious
festivals
Use synonyms
 but they should stay
in
Change preposition
within
show examples
 budget and use the excessive money on alternative ways to help common
persons
Replace the word
people
show examples
.

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task achievement
Your introduction sets the context for the essay, but it could be made clearer by explicitly stating your position on the spending of money on celebrations.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to use proper punctuation and spacing between sentences to improve readability. For example, 'Firstly, Most of the festivals...' should be 'Firstly, most of the festivals...'
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences contain grammatical errors and typos (e.g., 'expendature,' 'creats,' 'declination'). Proofreading your work can help catch these mistakes.
coherence and cohesion
Consider diversifying your sentence structures to enhance the flow of your writing. This can make your essay sound more engaging and sophisticated.
task achievement
You do a good job of presenting both sides of the argument, which shows your ability to think critically about the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion summarizes your main points well and restates your position, bringing closure to your essay.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • excessive spending
  • allocate resources
  • pressing needs
  • temporary pleasure
  • cultural heritage
  • fostering community
  • national pride
  • boost the economy
  • promoting tourism
  • social cohesion
  • investment in cultural preservation
  • budgeting and planning
  • moderation and strategic planning
  • cost-effective
  • vital areas
What to do next:
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