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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below shows the average hours worked per day by married men and women in paid employment.

The chart below shows the average hours worked per day by married men and women in paid employment.
The chart
gives
Verb problem
apply
show examples
demonstrated
Wrong verb form
demonstrates
show examples
 the average number of
hours
Use synonyms
 worked daily fee by married
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 in paid employment. The initial impression from the chart is that the entire
work
Use synonyms
 operated more time than
men
Use synonyms
overall
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 the
husbands
Change to a genitive case
husband's
husbands'
show examples
ages
Use synonyms
 waged
labor
Change the spelling
labour
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 slightly less on total payment,
wives
Change noun form
wives'
wife's
show examples
ages
Use synonyms
 were not
fluctuation
Replace the word
fluctuate
show examples
 with time. As the
ages
Use synonyms
 (24-44)
date
Correct your spelling
data
show examples
 shows the number of
men
Use synonyms
 started figure just less than 10
hours
Use synonyms
 per
day
Use synonyms
, with remunerated employment accounting for twice as many
hours
Use synonyms
 as unpaid
work
Use synonyms
. There almost exactly mirrored
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
wives in
this
Linking Words
 trend, which amounted
just
Change preposition
to just
show examples
 more than 10
hours
Use synonyms
. The paid and unpaid jobs were the same for just over 5
hours
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
day
Use synonyms
. Interestingly, the
Use synonyms
women
Change noun form
women's
show examples
 graph (45-64) was not experienced in various age options.
Whereas
Linking Words
, there were employed
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
insignificantly
higher
Correct word choice
more
show examples
 than
men
Use synonyms
. The fall
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 total
work
Use synonyms
 in
Use synonyms
men
Correct your spelling
male
show examples
 employees, the
husband
Fix the agreement mistake
husbands
show examples
ages
Use synonyms
 worked more in paid employment
Linking Words
then
Correct your spelling
than
show examples
 free job at an increasing age
approximately
Change preposition
of approximately
show examples
 7
hours
Use synonyms
 per
day
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, both
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 are almost equally in demand in terms of total
work
Use synonyms
. The main difference is that
men
Use synonyms
 do more paid
work
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
women
Use synonyms
 spend more time on unpaid
work
Use synonyms
. On average, the gap between them was around three
hours
Use synonyms
 per
day
Use synonyms
.

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 80%.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words hours, men, women, work, ages, day with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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