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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The line graph gives information about the number of Iranian, Greek and Turkish students who enrolled at Sheffield University between 2005 and 2009. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The line graph gives information about the number of Iranian, Greek and Turkish students who enrolled at Sheffield University between 2005 and 2009. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The graph illustrates the number of
students
Use synonyms
 who registered at Sheffield
University
Use synonyms
 belonging to three different nationalities;
Iranian
Use synonyms
, Greek, and Turkish between 2005 and 2009.
Overall
Linking Words
, Turkish and
Iranian
Use synonyms
students
Use synonyms
 increased gradually,
meanwhile
Add a comma
meanwhile,
show examples
 the Greek
students
Use synonyms
 decreased in number over the whole period. In detail, approximately 20
students
Use synonyms
 from Turkey enrolled
to
Change preposition
at
show examples
 Sheffield
University
Use synonyms
 in 2005
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
 number
increaed
Correct your spelling
increased
 steadily and became approximately 4 times
many
Change preposition
as many
show examples
 with around 90
students
Use synonyms
 in 2007. The figure went up steadily for the following 2 years and ended the period
around
Change preposition
with around
show examples
 120
students
Use synonyms
 in 2009. Moving into the statistics for
Iranian
Use synonyms
students
Use synonyms
,
they
Correct your spelling
the
show examples
 proportion declined dramatically year by year
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
the figure shot up between 2005 and 2007 and around 100
students
Use synonyms
 fewer enrolled
to
Change preposition
at
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Sheffield
University
Use synonyms
 in 2007
comparing
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 with 2005. In 2007, both Greek and
Iranian
Use synonyms
students
Use synonyms
 enrolled almost
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the same amount with approximately 70 people. After
2007
Change the article
the 2007
show examples
 year,
Iranian
Use synonyms
students
Use synonyms
 registered far less and finished the period around 50
students
Use synonyms
 applied for the
university
Use synonyms
.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 69%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words students, university, iranian with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 4 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Enrolled
  • Enrollments
  • Trend
  • Steady increase
  • Initial increase
  • Decline
  • Sharp increase
  • Peaking
  • Noteworthy comparison
  • Contrasting trends
  • Period
  • Given period
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