IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

The position of women has changed a great deal in many societies over the past 50 years. But these societies cannot claim to have achieved gender equality. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Over a period of 50 years, there has been significant progress in the female position in a lot of societies.
However
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, there are some people insisting that gender inequality still exists in their environment. I totally agree with
this
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 statement because even though we can see some improvement in
women
Use synonyms
’s positions, there is some inequality between males and females in terms of their payment and the amount of time that
women
Use synonyms
 spend on child-rearing.
To begin
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 with, there is a significant gap in their salary between men and
women
Use synonyms
. Some statistics conducted by the Japanese government in 2020
shows
Correct subject-verb agreement
show
show examples
 that 90% of full-time female workers in Japanese companies have been feeling dissatisfaction with the disparity between their remuneration and that of males.
For instance
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, in the same company, male employees who have worked for three years can get 30000 yen for their promotion,
while
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 female workers in the same condition can gain only a third of that of males.
That is
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 to say,
this
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 example shows that the inequality in their remuneration is still significant.
Furthermore
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, in many parts of the world
such
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 as Africa and Asia, unlike European nations, the majority of the burden, including housework and raising children, is on
women
Use synonyms
.
For example
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,
according to
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 BBC News, the average amount of time that Japanese fathers spend on housework and child-rearing is about 40 minutes per day.
By contrast
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, that of American fathers is roughly two and a half hours in a day.
This
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 gender imbalance indicates that even in some developed countries like Japan, where more and more
women
Use synonyms
 have achieved a higher position at work
such
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 as CEOs, the unfairness has not been gotten rid of yet. In conclusion,
although
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 more and more
women
Use synonyms
 succeeded in their careers in many parts of the world, it is argued that the achievement of gender equality is still underway. I completely agree with
this
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 viewpoint for the different amount of remuneration from that of men and for the number of hours that mothers and fathers spend on things related to housework.

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task achievement
Make sure to diversify your example sources; using varied data can enhance credibility and provide a broader perspective.
coherence and cohesion
While your essay is generally well-structured, ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to maintain the flow of ideas more effectively.
content
Your introduction clearly presents your stance on the topic, and your conclusion effectively summarizes your main points.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • gender equality
  • historical context
  • gender pay gap
  • underrepresentation
  • leadership roles
  • gender-based violence
  • educational opportunities
  • workforce
  • legal reforms
  • statistics
  • case studies
  • global perspective
  • progressive changes
  • cultural differences
  • empowerment
  • patriarchy
  • systemic discrimination
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