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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some countries have legal ages at which people can drink. Other countries believe not having strict laws is a better policy. Discuss both and give your opinion. Umar 2

Several nations have available ages at which individuals can drink. Other countries consider not having severe rules
is
Wrong verb form
to be
show examples
 a better policy.
Although
Linking Words
 legal ages can give responsibility for their actions and assist in escaping committing crimes,I believe that forbidden things can create awful habits and addiction. On the one hand, the age of the majority can feel accountability and help to run away do offences. Relying on self-esteem and imagination of consequences after any crime, which can create potential visualization of punishment ,can reduce the percentage of
a criminal acts
Correct the article-noun agreement
criminal acts
a criminal act
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, that has an impact
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 on youngsters. There is
a
Capitalize word
A
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 classic example,in 2015 In Mexico was a dramatic increase in violence,most of them were teenagers,
one
Change preposition
with one
show examples
 1action per one every 7 humans, the governments of Mexico decided to illustrate what
occurring
Change the form of the verb
occurs
show examples
 in The National Jail Of Mexico, after showing
violence
Replace the word
violent
show examples
 punishments
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 crimes, there was significant reduce of crime.
Also
Linking Words
 among students.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,things banned by the governments could produce terrible routines and dependency. Every youthful person has weaknesses in their desires and bodies.
Due to
Linking Words
 obtaining new emotions and crazy feelings. After taking it,they can not ignore the favourable sensations and become the hostage of their own wishes, encountering a lack of liquid,
wanting
Correct word choice
and wanting
show examples
 to tipple more and more.
For example
Linking Words
, famous worldwide scientist Dmitry Mendeleev
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
explored the influence of alcohol on the young generation in 1915. Came to the conclusion that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 any person until 18, who drink alcohol, generates a huge quantity of
irreversibly
Change the adverb
irreversible
show examples
 consequences
such
Linking Words
 as mental problems, physical issues and total addiction. In conclusion, even though the drinking age allows feel responsible for freedom and escape from jail, I consider that forbidden drinking can create terrible routines and dependency.

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task achievement
Clarify your position more directly in the introduction. A clear thesis statement that outlines your viewpoint will guide your reader.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the organization of ideas within paragraphs. Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and that ideas flow logically from one to the next.
task achievement
Provide clearer examples to support your points. While you have some examples, connect them more explicitly to your argument for better understanding.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced discussion of both sides of the argument, showing an understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
You have employed a strong conclusion that summarizes your views effectively, reinforcing your opinion on the matter.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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