IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that parents should teach their children how to be good members of the society. Others, however, believe that schools are the best places to learn this. Discuss both these views.

Whether
parents
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 or
schools
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 should be responsible for teaching
children
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 how to become socially good members.
This
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 essay agrees with the latter sentiment
due to
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a
Correct article usage
the
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 variety of academic
curriculum
Fix the agreement mistake
curricula
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 at
schools
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 and valid environments for the development of
children
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 without some obstacles during studying. It must be recognized that
schools
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 are better at teaching
children
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 than
parents
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.
This
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 is because
children
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 here can be provided with
academic
Correct article usage
an academic
show examples
 curriculum.
Thus
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, they can learn
variously
Change the word
various
show examples
 new things from both their teachers and friends.
Then
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, their skills and knowledge can be improved, which seems more efficient than being taught by
parents
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.
However
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, some people believe that
parents
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 should be responsible for the
mature
Replace the word
maturity
show examples
 of their
children
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,
hence
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 playing a crucial role in their success. It must be understood that encouragement and
advices
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advice
pieces of advice
bits of advice
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 from
parents
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 can promote
children
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's
emotion
Fix the agreement mistake
emotions
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 and determination.
Additionally
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, their hands-on experiences seem useful for youth in some spectacular aspects of study or in life. From the writer's perspective,
children
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 should not be
detered
Correct your spelling
deterred
 from studying because of
supervision
Correct article usage
the supervision
show examples
 of their teachers and
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the aims
show examples
aims
Fix the agreement mistake
aim
show examples
 of having good scores in
course
Correct article usage
the course
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.
As a result
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, teens are going to follow some plans in
schedule
Correct pronoun usage
their schedule
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, which makes a lot of good habitats for them.
For instance
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, studying online is less efficient than directly
due to
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 some obstacles
during
Change preposition
while
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 studying at home.
To conclude
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,
while
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 both viewpoints present valid reasons and can be justified, the writer
support
Change the verb form
supports
show examples
 the latter statement that
schools
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 are the best place for
children
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 to learn how to become good members of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.

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Task Achievement
The introduction could be clearer by explicitly stating the main points that will be discussed in the essay. This would provide a better roadmap for the reader.
Task Achievement
In the second paragraph, you could expand on your main point about school by providing specific examples of what subjects or activities contribute to social skills.
Coherence and Cohesion
There were some grammatical errors and awkward phrases, such as 'the mature of their children' and 'good habitats'. Proofreading for clarity and correctness would enhance coherence.
Coherence and Cohesion
Try to use more linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and ideas. This can enhance the cohesion of your essay.
Task Achievement
You present a clear opinion that schools are the better option for teaching social responsibility, which is great for task response.
Task Achievement
You acknowledge both perspectives in your essay, which shows an understanding of the complexity of the issue.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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