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Writing Samples
Band 6

The charts below give information on the location and types of dance classes young people in a town in Australia are currently attending.

The charts below give information on the location and types of dance classes young people in a town in Australia are currently attending.
The pie chart illustrates the location of various
dance
Use synonyms
classes
Use synonyms
where
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 young
Australians
Use synonyms
 in a town are currently attending,
while
Linking Words
 the bar charts
compares
Change the verb form
compare
show examples
 different types of
dance
Use synonyms
classes
Use synonyms
 they participate
.
Change preposition
in.
show examples
Overall
Linking Words
, private
studios
Use synonyms
 are the most prevalent choice for young
Australians
Use synonyms
 to learn to
dance
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 college-based
studios
Use synonyms
 are the least. Meanwhile, most
Australians
Use synonyms
 under 11 choose to learn ballet and those who are between 11 and 16 prefer modern. Regarding the location of
dance
Use synonyms
classes
Use synonyms
 for young
Australians
Use synonyms
 to attend, private
studios
Use synonyms
 have
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 largest share at 48%,
narrowing
Replace the word
narrowly
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 surpassing school halls at 24%. Only 18% of young
Australians
Use synonyms
 choose to learn in community halls and others,
while
Linking Words
 those
choose
Correct pronoun usage
who choose
show examples
 to learn in college-based
studios
Use synonyms
 are the least at a mere 10%. In terms of types of
dance
Use synonyms
classes
Use synonyms
 that the young people in Australia
attending
Wrong verb form
attend
show examples
, almost 600 of them are learning ballet, followed by tap which is learned by approximately 450 students and modern at around 300.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, more than 500 students between 11 and 16 learn modern,
while
Linking Words
 420 of them learn tap. Less than 300 young
Australians
Use synonyms
 choose to learn ballet.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words dance, classes, australians, studios with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • distribution
  • attendance
  • community centers
  • dance schools
  • private studios
  • ballet
  • hip-hop
  • contemporary
  • ballroom
  • analysis
  • popularity
  • accessibility
  • cost
  • cultural trends
  • media influences
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