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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The percentage of overweight children in Western society has increased by almost 20% in the last 10 years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend

In today’s world, there is an increasing percentage of overweight
children
Use synonyms
 in Western society, which would be concerning for parents, with it increasing significantly in the
last
Linking Words
 10 years. There are many reasons for youngsters becoming obese,
such
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 as dietary habits and limited physical activity. In the long-term, that could lead to
health
Use synonyms
 problems,
as well as
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 learning ability. Being overweight has become a major cause of well-being problems for
children
Use synonyms
 in Western society. Major contributors are poor diets and sedentary lifestyles.
For example
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, consuming fast foods and sugary products is popular in Western society. Another reason is that sitting prolong
to
Change preposition
while
show examples
 watching television,
play
Wrong verb form
playing
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 video games, and
smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
smartphones
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, has led to a decline in physical activity among adolescents. These poor diets and habits can have long-term impacts on an individual’s
health
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. The problems may include high blood pressure and other types of diseases,
in particular
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, heart disease, diabetes, respiratory issues, and psychological impact.
Besides
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, these
health
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 concerns can persist into adulthood.
Further
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 to
this
Linking Words
, the ability to learn in
children
Use synonyms
also
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 decreases
due to
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 the lack of concentration and low energy levels.
Consequently
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, kids who are obese
usual
Change the word
usually
show examples
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 low self-esteem, depression, and social isolation.
To sum up
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, the
increasing
Replace the word
increase
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 overweight
children
Use synonyms
 in Western societies over the previous decade is indeed a concerning trend that can be attributed to a complex interplay of various factors. These factors are multifaceted, including changes in lifestyle, dietary habits, and environmental influences.
Moreover
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, the effects of that trend are far-reaching, affecting not only the immediate
health
Use synonyms
 of
children
Use synonyms
 but
also
Linking Words
 their long-term well-being and the
overall
Linking Words
 healthcare system.

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples or data to support your claims about the negative effects of obesity on children. This will strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure to link your ideas more explicitly. For instance, use transition words to enhance the flow between paragraphs and clarify the connections between different points.
coherence and cohesion
Review your grammatical structures for accuracy. Some sentences can be clearer with minor adjustments in wording.
task achievement
You effectively identified several causes and effects related to the increase of overweight children, which shows a good understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a logical progression of ideas, leading to a conclusion that summarizes the main points well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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