IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

There are many things that motivate a person to work, but money is the most compelling. In your opinion, how influential is the power of money?

Many
people
Use synonyms
 believe that
money
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 is the biggest reason why
people
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 go to
work
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.
This
Linking Words
 essay
agree
Change the verb form
agrees
show examples
 that
money
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 is very important, but
also
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 there are other strong reasons that motivate
people
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 to
work
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.
Firstly
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,
money
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 helps humans live a comfortable life.
For example
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, we need
money
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 to buy food,
clothes
Correct word choice
and clothes
show examples
, and pay for housing. Without a job, it is hard to meet these basic needs.
That is
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 why many individuals
work
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 hard, even if they do not enjoy their jobs.
Also
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, some societies want to earn more
money
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 so they can travel, buy cars, or save for the future. In
this
Linking Words
 way,
money
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 becomes a powerful motivation.
However
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, not everyone works just for
money
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. Some
people
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 enjoy their
work
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 and feel happy when they do something meaningful.
For instance
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, teachers and nurses often choose their jobs because they want to help others, not just to earn
money
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.
In addition
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, many
people
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 feel proud when they are successful at
work
Use synonyms
, even if the salary is not very high. They enjoy learning new skills, working with others, and growing in their careers. In conclusion,
money
Use synonyms
 is a strong reason why
people
Use synonyms
work
Use synonyms
, and it is very important in life. But it is not the only reason. Enjoyment, passion, and a sense of purpose
also
Linking Words
 play a big role in
work
Use synonyms
 motivation. So, the power of
money
Use synonyms
 is big, but not always the most important for everyone.

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task achievement
Your introduction states your agreement clearly but could be improved by providing a brief overview of the other motivations you will discuss. This helps set the reader's expectations.
task achievement
Ensure your main points are backed up with a bit more depth and specific examples. For instance, when discussing people who love their jobs, a specific story or additional examples could enhance clarity.
coherence and cohesion
The coherence of your paragraphs is generally good, but using linking words or phrases more effectively could improve the flow between sentences and ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion nicely summarizes your argument. Still, it could be stronger by restating your main points more explicitly to reinforce your position.
task achievement
Your essay presents a balanced view by acknowledging both the importance of money and other personal motivations for work. This demonstrates critical thinking.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of your essay is clear, with distinct paragraphs for each main idea. This makes it easy for the reader to follow your argument.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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