IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

It is a heated issue that children in rural areas of developing nations have few opportunities to reach education. Some people contemplate that the solutions to the problem are technological devices and internet connection, however, it seems to me that the top priority should be the formation of more schools and the employment of more teachers.

It is a heated issue that
children
Use synonyms
 in rural areas of developing nations have few opportunities to reach education. Some people contemplate that the solutions to the problem are technological devices and internet connection,
however
Linking Words
, it seems to me that the top priority should be the formation of more
schools
Use synonyms
 and the employment of more
teachers
Use synonyms
. On the one hand, the provision of computers and online networks can be beneficial in some ways.
Firstly
Linking Words
, they equip rural
children
Use synonyms
 with multiple transportation to access knowledge. Just by a click on Google, the young can be offered a wide range of free online lessons about any subjects that they want to enhance their understanding. They can take advantage of distance learning programmes, giving them the same opportunities as urban
children
Use synonyms
,
Correct word choice
and, as
show examples
as a result
Linking Words
, narrow the gap between the young in two areas.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the approach to high-tech gadgets helps rural
children
Use synonyms
 learn basic IT skills, preparing them for future working life where computer skills are necessary.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, I contend that more
schools
Use synonyms
 and
teachers
Use synonyms
 are the keys to tackling the issue. The primary reason is that
teachers
Use synonyms
 play a vital role in the early stage of teaching basic knowledge like literacy and numeracy. They are the ones that enlighten
children
Use synonyms
 and instill in them the value of learning and precious
lesson
Fix the agreement mistake
lessons
show examples
 about behaviours. These are the things that computers and electronic devices cannot provide for the young.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the appearance of
schools
Use synonyms
 around rural communities raises awareness among parents there about the importance of learning. The denser the number of educational institutions, the higher the opportunities for
children
Use synonyms
 in the countryside to
reach
Verb problem
acquire
show examples
 knowledge. In conclusion, though the necessity of
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
internet
Capitalize word
Internet
show examples
 and high-tech devices is undeniable, I believe that
schools
Use synonyms
 and
teachers
Use synonyms
 should be the first step in widening
chances
Correct article usage
the chances
show examples
 of studying for rural
children
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
You provide a clear opinion throughout the essay, which addresses the prompt effectively. However, you could enhance your response by elaborating further on your examples, providing more depth into how schools and teachers can specifically contribute to children's education.
coherence and cohesion
While your paragraphs are generally well-structured, ensuring that each point is clearly linked to your main argument could make your essay more cohesive. Adding transition phrases between sentences and ideas will help to guide the reader more smoothly through your argument.
content
Your introduction clearly outlines the issue and your stance on it, engaging the reader from the start.
content
You effectively highlight the importance of both technological solutions and traditional education methods, showing a balanced view of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: