IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people believe that the arts (such as music, literature, and theater) are more important than other subjects in schools. Do you agree or disagree.

There is no denying the fact that
arts
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 play a role in our lives. Where it is a commonly held belief that
,
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apply
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 a lot of
individuals
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 see that
arts
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the
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apply
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it various it is vital ,
whereas
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 other
people
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 see
materis
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materials
 in, there is
also
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 an argument that
oppises
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opposes
 it. In my
opinon
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opinion
, I consider that the
arts
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 become a source
income
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of income
show examples
 .
To begin
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 with,
concept
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the concept
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 of hobbies is
curical
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crucial
critical
 in the current era.
On the other hand
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 , plenty of
individuals
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 use the
arts
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 for funding , which
resut
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results
 the
enconmic
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economic
 progress is vital . In
addation
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addition
, parents must
fouce
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focus
force
 on
developeing
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developing
 their
chaildren's
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children's
 hobbies
fornt
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front
 of the future improves their
live
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life
show examples
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also
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and also
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the
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their
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 income.
For example
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, a study conducted in 2023 showed that almost 70
percent
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per cent
show examples
 of
the
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apply
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people
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works
Change the verb form
work
show examples
 in
profession
Add an article
the profession
show examples
 of
arts
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. Another point to consider, investing
turthfully
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thoroughly
 in various skills ,
due to
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current
Correct article usage
the current
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trasformation
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transformation
, which leads to
the
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apply
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overspending; there are many
people
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 who
focue
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focus
 on their hobby
become
Fix the infinitive
to become
show examples
 wealthy
individuals
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. It is
also
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 possible to say that , must take action to develop their skills since work can be
challenage
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challenging
;we can easily work on what they love .
Moreover
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 ,
the
Correct article usage
a
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 job with responsibility needs
balance
Replace the word
balanced
show examples
 time
such
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 as when someone does not like their love it, creates challenges in time
mangment
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management
 so
people
Use synonyms
 should
focue
Correct your spelling
focus
 on developing t what love .
For instance
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 , a study from Oxford University found that wealthy
individuals
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 often have a well-crafted identity. In conclusion, despite
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people
poeple
Correct your spelling
people
 having different views , I believe hobbies are an endless source of income ;the
arts
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 are
also
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 a great career because
people
Use synonyms
 enjoy their work

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coherence and cohesion
Improve the logical flow of your argument. Ensure that each point connects smoothly to the next and clarifies your stance on the importance of the arts in education.
task achievement
Strengthen your introduction by clearly stating your opinion and providing a brief outline of your main points.
task achievement
Add more specific examples or evidence to support your claims about the benefits of arts in education and career outcomes.
language use
Pay careful attention to spelling and grammar to enhance clarity and professionalism in your writing.
content
You have included personal insights and relevant examples regarding the economic benefits of the arts.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your viewpoint on the importance of hobbies and the arts.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • creativity
  • critical thinking
  • emotional intelligence
  • interpersonal skills
  • cultural awareness
  • enrich
  • well-rounded curriculum
  • cognitive development
  • emotional development
  • artistic talents
  • creative industries
  • integrating
  • enhance learning
  • historical events
  • mathematical patterns
What to do next:
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