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Writing Samples
Band 5

The number of people who are at risks of serious health problems due to overweight is increasing. What is the reason for the growth in overweight people in society? How can this problem be solved?

Society is facing the problem of increasing
overweighted
Replace the word
overweight
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 people
number
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
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, the group
that is
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in
Change preposition
at
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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risk of
Use synonyms
obesity related
Add a hyphen
obesity-related
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 health issues is bigger. I believe that the main reason for that situation is highly processed
food
Use synonyms
 consumption. More strict regulations for edible
products’
Change noun form
products
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 producers can be a solution for that.
This
Linking Words
 essay will present my viewpoint and discuss relevant arguments.
Firstly
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, as already has been stated eating processed
food
Use synonyms
 is strongly related to
obesity
Use synonyms
. Chemicals that factories put into their edible products
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 are not beneficial and digestible for humans’ bodies.
According to
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 WHO recommendations, not naturally manufactured
food
Use synonyms
, leads to overgrowth of the fat cells
thus
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makes
Wrong verb form
making
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 humans overweight. Taking, meat from supermarkets as an example, it contains processed glucose.
Due to
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 that markets’ meat,
instead
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 of
supply
Change the verb form
supplying
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 us with
animal’s
Change noun form
animal
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 proteins, potion us with chemical sugar. Bodies, that are provided with polluted
food
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 become overweight. I believe that the only way to stop
companies
Use synonyms
 from selling poison under the
food
Use synonyms
 label
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 is
new
Correct article usage
a new
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 stricter law. Without government regulations,
companies
Use synonyms
 will continue producing processed
food
Use synonyms
, as it is cheaper than manufacturing good quality products. Take EU regulations
for instance
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,
EU
Correct article usage
the EU
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 has precise
law
Fix the agreement mistake
laws
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according to
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food
Use synonyms
 quality.
Due to
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 that
number
Use synonyms
 of obese people is smaller in
EU
Correct article usage
the EU
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 than in the USA, where
food
Use synonyms
 manufacturing is not as controlled. To explicate, penalties for polluting
food
Use synonyms
 with chemicals, to generate more profits, will stop
companies
Use synonyms
 from doing that.
To sum up
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, the
number
Use synonyms
 of overweight people is strongly correlated with big amount of processed
food
Use synonyms
 available on the market.
Thus
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, chemicals initiate fat
cells productions
Fix the agreement mistake
cell production
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 in humans’ bodies. In my point of
view
Add a comma
view,
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 only strict
law
Fix the agreement mistake
laws
show examples
 and penalties for edible products
companies
Use synonyms
 can resolve the problem of poor quality
food
Use synonyms
, which
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 to
high
Change the article
a high
the high
show examples
number
Use synonyms
 of
obesity
Use synonyms
 and
obesity
Use synonyms
replated
Correct your spelling
related
show examples
 health problems.

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Task Achievement
Clarify your thesis statement in the introduction. Make it clearer what the main points of your argument will be.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that your paragraphs are well-organized and that each one focuses on a single main idea to improve coherence.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific examples or evidence to support your claims, especially regarding regulations and their impacts in different regions.
Task Achievement
The essay addresses the prompt and presents a clear viewpoint.
Task Achievement
There is a good attempt to use examples to illustrate points, particularly with the EU regulations.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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