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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

One of the consequences of improved technology is that many jobs that used to be done by people can now be completed by robots or computers. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

The improvement of technology is now gaining a
lot
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 of recognition, and it
also
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 makes human life easier than before. In
this
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 essay, I will tackle the advantages and disadvantages of robots and technologies.
To begin
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 with, in
this
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 era that we are in right now, people are trying to improve technologies, especially in the computer field.
This
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 generation is all into computers, which makes our lives better.
For instance
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, computers and robots can replace people who work as cashiers.
Further
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, when you buy clothes in one store, there will be no human at the counter.
Instead
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, you go to an automated machine, and that machine will do all the total computing for you, and you can pay with your mobile phone.
Therefore
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,
this
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 is the advantage of advanced technology: it saves time and does not require interaction with another human, especially if you are in a hurry.
On the other hand
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, the disadvantage is that I
saw
Wrong verb form
see
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 a
lot
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 of automated cars now with no drivers. Because the one who drives the car is the car itself.
As a result
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, there are few accidents that occur, because the engine is not totally able to function well
,
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apply
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 before it is released to the public.
Hence
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, a
lot
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 of people are still afraid to ride in
this
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 kind of automobile.
To conclude
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, there are still a
lot
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 of disadvantages
in
Change preposition
to
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 modern technologies,
for example
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, if robots replace humans in their jobs, there will be a
lot
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 of unemployment and can affect the economy. But I believe that in the near future, technology will improve, and it can help us in some other ways.

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task achievement
Your introduction clearly outlines that you will address both advantages and disadvantages; however, you could enhance it by stating your opinion more explicitly.
coherence and cohesion
In your body paragraphs, ensure that each point is more developed and connected back to your main argument about the balance of advantages and disadvantages.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples in both the advantages and disadvantages sections. For instance, mentioning statistics or real-world examples can strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Consider using linking words and phrases more effectively to guide the reader through your points and enhance the flow of your essay.
task achievement
You successfully identify both advantages and disadvantages of technology in your essay, showing a good understanding of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in organizing your ideas.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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