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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe studying in a college or university is the best way to prepare for a successful career. Other people prefer to get a job as soon as they leave school and to develop their career through work experience. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

In today's fast-paced world, education is very beneficial for every step in our lives. Some people believe studying in a
college
Use synonyms
 or
university
Use synonyms
 is the greatest way to prepare for a successful
career
Use synonyms
 path,
while
Linking Words
 opponents prefer to get a
job
Use synonyms
 as soon as they leave school and to develop their
career
Use synonyms
 through
work
Use synonyms
 experience. In my opinion, choosing a
career
Use synonyms
 with more knowledge could be more effective, I believe that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 it is
efficent
Correct your spelling
efficient
sufficient
 to do a
job
Use synonyms
 after studying in a
college
Use synonyms
 or
university
Use synonyms
. On
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
 hand,
compare
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
 to past days,
nowdays
Correct the word
nowadays
show examples
 need more qualifications to get a proper
job
Use synonyms
. There are
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 reasons, why it is better to study in a
college
Use synonyms
 or
university
Use synonyms
. The major reason is
students
Use synonyms
 could know about the
society
Use synonyms
, it's like a
pre-pocessing
Correct your spelling
pre-processing
 method, before release
childern
Correct your spelling
children
 to the
society
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.
For instance
Linking Words
,
students
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 are making friends from
differnt
Correct your spelling
different
 regions, nationalities, and religions,
this
Linking Words
 will help
students
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 to associate with
society
Use synonyms
 effectively.
Furthermore
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, another benefit
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 studying
Use synonyms
college
Change preposition
at college
show examples
 or
university
Use synonyms
 is that they could find a proper
job
Use synonyms
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because they have the
knowlege
Correct your spelling
knowledge
 and ability.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, opponents argue that doing a
job
Use synonyms
 right after leaving school would be more effective.
Additionally
Linking Words
, people can get
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
work
Use synonyms
 experience through
this
Linking Words
 but never can't go to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
higher positions, because higher positions
needs
Change the verb form
need
show examples
knowlege
Correct your spelling
knowledge
 and
work
Use synonyms
 experience
both
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
. That would be a problem because that kind of people never get paid properly, how much they
work
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, if children start working as soon as
done
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
 school, they do not know
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
anything about
society
Use synonyms
,
they
Correct word choice
and they
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 will
be easily get
Change the verb form
easily get
show examples
in to
Join the words
into
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
troubles
Fix the agreement mistake
trouble
show examples
. It is like releasing the chicks without proper practice about flying. They will easily get caught as a victim. In conclusion, I believe that studying in a
college
Use synonyms
 or
university
Use synonyms
 is the best way to prepare for a successful
career
Use synonyms
either
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
if not
students
Use synonyms
 will get into the problems easily. They can find a
job
Use synonyms
 they like with a proper education, and simply can achieve the higher
targerts
Correct your spelling
targets
 in their lives.

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coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph stays focused on a single main point and that these points build logically on one another. This will improve the overall flow of your essay.
task response
Rephrase and clarify your thesis statement in the introduction to make it more precise. A clearer statement will guide your reader through your argument.
task response
Try to incorporate more specific examples or evidence for your points. This will strengthen your arguments and provide clearer support for your views.
coherence and cohesion
Consider using linking words more effectively to improve transitions between sentences and paragraphs. This will enhance the readability of your essay.
task achievement
The essay addresses both views clearly and expresses a personal opinion, demonstrating an understanding of the task requirements.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear conclusion summarizing your viewpoint, which helps in providing a sense of closure to the reader.
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