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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The bar chart compares the amount of leisure time per week enjoyed by men and women in different employment situations during the years 1998 and 1999.

The bar chart compares the amount of leisure time per week enjoyed by men and women in different employment situations during the years 1998 and 1999.
The bar chart compares the recreation
time
Use synonyms
 consumed In a
week
Use synonyms
. in the year period 1998-1999. by
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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 and females of different types of employment which are. Full-
time
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, part-
time
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, unemployed, retired and housewives.
It is clear that
Linking Words
 the highest
time
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 of leisure is consumed by the unemployed and retired individuals.
Moreover
Linking Words
, The male are the ones who scored the most recreation
time
Use synonyms
 in all categories with the exception of the part-
time
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 and housewives. In the unemployed and retired ranks, both genders consumed the same amount of leisure
time
Use synonyms
 which is around 90
hours
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 a
week
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 for the men.
While
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 the women had 75
hours
Use synonyms
 a
week
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 in both categories.
However
Linking Words
, in the part-
time
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 employment status, men did not score any
hours
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.
While
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 women enjoyed 40
hours
Use synonyms
 a
week
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 of free
time
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. The full-
time
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 employees in the years 1998 and 1999 had the least amount of
hours
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. women got less than 40
hours
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 a
week
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. and men had 45
hours
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 a
week
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 of free
time
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the housewives had around 55
hours
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 a
week
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 of recreation
time
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "moreover, while".
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the sixth paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the seventh paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words time, week, hours with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "compares" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the sixth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the seventh paragraph.
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