IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people work long hours, leaving little time for leisure activities. Does this situation have more advantages or more disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experiences.

Taking into account the nature of our current working environment, most people have resorted to working for extended periods in order to maintain their
lifestyle
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.
Although
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this
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 may seem necessary to some, most people will opt for a more active
lifestyle
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. On
one
Correct article usage
the one
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 hand working hours are directly proportional to the amount of money one can earn. Enhancing your streams of income is definitely a
must have
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must-have
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 considering the socio-economic factors, especially when inflation and recession are on the rise.
For example
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, a family friend has recently started an
e-commerce related
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e-commerce-related
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 clothing business in order to improve their standard of living.
This
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 motivates them to work harder, as the more time spent working, will equate to a hefty payout.
Furthermore
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, keeping themselves engaged during weekends and holidays.
On the other hand
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, even though
this
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 will help them to split their means of earning, it will become
time consuming
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time-consuming
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, leaving limited time for interactions with family and friends.
According to
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 a recent study, engaging in playful activities with children has a comforting effect on the mind and body.
Work related
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Work-related
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 stress is said to
the
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be the
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lead
Replace the word
leading
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 cause of
aging
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ageing
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 and mental degradation in most adults.
Nonetheless
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, having a hobby has been deemed as the optimum path to maintaining a healthy
lifestyle
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.
To conclude
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, no doubt it has become a norm in our society to
endeavor
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endeavour
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 for a more financially favourable
lifestyle
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. Most individuals believe that working beyond their physical capacity is expected of them, but
that is
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 not the case. I believe being a workaholic has been wrongly implanted in our social fabric and a balance is necessary to reverse the negative effects of
this
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lifestyle
Use synonyms
.

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task achievement
Consider rephrasing sections of your introduction to ensure clarity and directly address the question. Clearly state whether you believe the situation has more advantages or disadvantages.
coherence and cohesion
Work on transitioning between ideas and paragraphs more smoothly to guide the reader through your argument. This will improve the overall flow of the essay.
task achievement
To strengthen your argument, include more specific examples or personal experiences that relate directly to the disadvantages of working long hours.
task achievement
You provided a balanced view by discussing both advantages and disadvantages of long working hours, which aligns well with the essay prompt.
coherence and cohesion
Your vocabulary is quite varied and appropriate, demonstrating a good command of the language.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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