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Writing Samples
Band 1

Some people believe that time spent on television and computer games can valuable for children. Other believe this has negative impact on a child. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Introduction
There is no denying the fact that
spend
Change the verb form
spending
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time
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 on
the
Correct article usage
apply
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television
Use synonyms
 and
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 can
valuable
Add a missing verb
be valuable
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 for
children
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 it is a commonly held belief that spending
time
Use synonyms
 on the
television
Use synonyms
 is not useful for
children
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with, playing
computer
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games
Use synonyms
 and watching
television
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 plays a major part
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 public opinion.
In other words
Linking Words
,it's hard for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
this
Linking Words
time
Use synonyms
 to learn
some thing
Correct your spelling
something
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 without
television
Use synonyms
in addition
Linking Words
, it's difficult for the
children
Use synonyms
 to have fun without
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
,when
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 want to learn something outside
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school must be on the
television
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, despite people having different views, I believe that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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television
Use synonyms
 and
computer
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 are essential
on
Change preposition
at
show examples
this
Linking Words
time
Use synonyms
 to have fun
Linking Words
also
Correct word choice
and also
show examples
 to
learning
Wrong verb form
learn
show examples
.

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task achievement
Make sure to have a clear introduction that states your opinion clearly.
task achievement
Use clearer examples to support your points. Explain how games and TV can help children more deeply.
coherence and cohesion
Organize your essay better. Each paragraph should have one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence structure and grammar to improve clarity.
task achievement
You have stated both views which shows some understanding of the topic.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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