IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many children today are overweight and in very poor health. Give reasons to explain this and give solutions.

The world today is very different from the past and that includes unhealthy and overweight
children
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.
This
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 is a critical
problem
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 today as massive numbers of
children
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 are unhealthy and don't seem to care about their health.
This
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 is affecting them negatively. Many of them do not even recognize
this
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problem
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.
This
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 essay will examine the reasons for being overweight and unhealthy and the solutions to address
this
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 issue. There are many reasons for
children
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 being overweight and unhealthy.
First,
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children
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 today are very lazy. They are always sitting at home, playing on the computer and playing video games. They
don
Correct your spelling
do
show examples
 not seem to have much interest in achieving any goals. Second, many of them always depend on fast food which is unhealthy for them. Fast food restaurants use harmful
oil
Fix the agreement mistake
oils
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 in their preparation.
This
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 contributes to the overweight
problem
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immensly
Correct your spelling
immensely
. High calories are a product of how they prepare their food.
In addition
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, not going to the
gym
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 and doing some exercise
also
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 affects their health and body. The
gym
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 plays an important and noticeable role in their daily life.
However
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,
are
Correct pronoun usage
there are
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 many solutions
also
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 that might help fix the situation.
First,
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parents who have overweight
children
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 should insist on
on
Remove the redundancy
apply
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eating family meals that are
home cooked
Add a hyphen
home-cooked
show examples
. That definitely will help them. The second great solution is to start going to the
This
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 would be
huge
Add an article
a huge
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 step in the right direction.
Second,
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buy a membership to a
gym
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of
Correct your spelling
or
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 some workout facility. Exercising and sweating
everyday
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every day
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 will be an important component of losing weight
. .
Replace the punctuation
.
...
show examples
Moreover
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, the parents should focus on their
children
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 and not
giving
Wrong verb form
give
show examples
 them the opportunity
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 only
eatand
Correct your spelling
eat and
 play video games. In conclusion, overweight and unhealthy
children
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 a serious global social
problem
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 in the world.
Children
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 should avoid the lazy routines that
causes
Change the verb form
cause
show examples
 being overweight. Sticking to a healthy diet and going to the
gym
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 is the solution.

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coherence
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all sentences support that idea.
cohesion
Use linking words to connect your ideas better, for example, 'firstly', 'additionally', and 'in conclusion'.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points, such as mentioning specific exercises or healthy foods.
task achievement
The essay addresses the topic and presents reasons and solutions.
coherence
The structure of the essay is clear with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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