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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

A lot of places in the world rely on tourism as a main source of Income. Unfortunately, tourism can be cause of lot of problem if its not well managed . What are the advantage and dis advantage in the modern world? Do you think advantage overweight the disadvantage

In
this
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 global world, a number of
countries
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 are dependent on visitors for earnings.
However
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, If they are not properly managed they can bring many issues which need immediate action. But we can not deny that they have both benefits and demerits.
According to
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 me, the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Tourism creates employment in the
countries
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. Many cab drivers, tourist guides and hotels are generating income from visitors. Technically it boosts the economy and develops the nation by generating jobs. There are exchange of cultural rituals, traditions and food between people when they travel to another country. They learn about each other and promote the things they learn.
This
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as
Add the comma(s)
, as
show examples
 a result, generates demand for local products in the world. Which
also
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 helps in the development of
countries
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. Opening
of
Change preposition
apply
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other nations' restaurants is a big example of cultural exchange.
However
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, we can not deny that tourists create pollution in the places. When they enter into a state there is an increase in the demand for vehicles which creates air pollution.
Also
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, people through plastic bottles and waste in the water bodies which pollute the water.
Consequently
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, it is a hurdle for the government and residents. In essence, it is true that
countries
Use synonyms
 are overdependent on visitors to generate income. There are other merits too
such
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 as creating new jobs, cultural exchange and few negative points like pollution in visiting place. But, the benefits outweigh the demerits in my perspective.

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task achievement
Try to provide specific examples to support your points. This will help to make your ideas stronger and clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer linking words like 'firstly', 'next', 'however', and 'in conclusion' to improve the flow of your ideas.
task achievement
You express your opinion clearly at the end, which helps to show your stance on the topic.
task achievement
You mention the benefits of tourism well, providing several good points on employment and cultural exchange.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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