IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that good health is very important to every person, so medical services should not be run by profit-making companies. Do the advantages of private health care outweigh the disadvantages?

Some people argue that staying healthy is essential for each individual,
therefore
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health
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healthcare
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care
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 services should be run by governments and not by private companies. In my opinion, both sides of
this
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 argument
has
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have
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 valid points, and in
this
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 essay, I will discuss the advantages and drawbacks of privatization of
medical
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the medical
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 industry. The two main advantages of private
health
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care
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 are improved quality of patient
care
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 and a better working environment for medical providers.
Firstly
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, as there are fewer numbers of patients that
has
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have
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 medical insurance, the private hospitals are significantly
less
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apply
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busier than the public hospitals.
Consequently
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, if doctors and nurses can allocate more time for each patient, misdiagnoses-related harm rates would decrease and patients would be prescribed more person-specific treatments, rather than generic ones.
Secondly
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, private
health
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care
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 ensures improved working conditions for hospital staff. Private institutions often have more resources and better infrastructure.
For example
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, American Hospital, a private hospital in Istanbul, has many amenities for staff within the hospital building, where the doctors and nurses can rest during busy shifts.
However
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, there are several disadvantages
of
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to
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 relying on profit-making companies in
medical
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the medical
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 industry. One major drawback is that private
health
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care
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 is not
accesible
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accessible
 to everyone, and many people lack
financial
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the financial
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flexibity
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flexibility
 to afford insurance.
Furthermore
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, the exclusion of financially strained individuals from
the
Correct article usage
apply
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health
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care
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 can lead to a situation where vulnerable populations delay or avoid treatment
due to
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 cost concerns.
For instance
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, in nations without a universal healthcare system, preventable diseases often go untreated among the uninsured, leading to higher mortality rates.
Therefore
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, creating a system where citizens hesitate to call an ambulance in order to avoid high hospital bills might not be a good strategy in the long run. In conclusion,
although
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 private
health
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care
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 can offer certain advantages, these are overshadowed by the risks of inequality, inaccessibility, and profit-driven motives that may not align with patient
wellbeing
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well-being
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.
Therefore
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, public
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health
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healthcare
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care
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 models should be prioritised to ensure equitable and ethical medical
care
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 for all.

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task achievement
Make sure to have a clear thesis statement in the introduction that summarizes your main points. This makes your argument stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Use more connectors (like 'firstly', 'however', 'for example') to link your ideas smoothly. This improves the flow of your writing.
task achievement
Include more detailed examples or studies to support your points. This will show a deeper understanding of the topic.
task achievement
You addressed both sides of the argument well and provided clear advantages and disadvantages.
coherence and cohesion
Your writing has a logical structure with clear paragraphs, making it easy to follow.
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