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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think if students are afraid of teacher it is better. Others say that having a friendly relationship is better. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

People have different opinions about the best model of
education
Use synonyms
:
while
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 some believe teachers should be strict, others reckon that only trusting relationships can be effective. In fact,
although
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 the concept of
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
tight discipline in a school historically widely occurs, positive
education
Use synonyms
 can be more valid.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss why teaching based on fear is not as effective as commonly believed.
To begin
Linking Words
 from the conservative model of
education
Use synonyms
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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is similar to an army institute, where a lieutenant plays the role of absolute authority. Historically, there is a strict hierarchy in an educational institution.
Moreover
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,
for instance
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, in
Russia
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Russia,
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 there is so
strong
Correct article usage
a strong
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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culture of teachers
so
Correct word choice
apply
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that even parents are afraid to be called by a school.
Such
Linking Words
system
Correct article usage
a system
show examples
 trains students to be disciplined, focused on subjects and perform their tasks on time to avoid any punishment. Nowadays, we have more evidence that fear-free schools are more effective. A friendly relationship with a teacher, unlike submission, increases
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
involvement in subjects
due to
Linking Words
 a positive experience.
In addition
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, if students are not anxious about possible mistakes during their studying,
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 will gain
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
confidence in the future. A good example of
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 student-friendly model
can be
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 the Finnish primary school. There is only one teacher who educates children for several years so that every child can develop a trusting relationship with him or her.
As a result
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, students are motivated to study without any violence. In conclusion, the conservative vision on
education
Use synonyms
 remains common, despite the modern one demonstrating at least the same result. In my opinion, if violence can be avoided, we must do everything to avoid it. So fear-free study should be implemented everywhere.

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task achievement
Make sure all your ideas in the essay clearly answer the question. Sometimes the connection between your points and the main topic can be unclear.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use clearer linking words to show how your ideas connect. This will help your readers understand the flow of your argument better.
task achievement
Add more specific examples to support your points. This will make your argument stronger and easier to follow.
content
You have a clear opinion presented at the end, and you discuss both sides of the argument.
content
Your examples, like the Finnish primary school, are relevant and interesting.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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