IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that it is the responsibility of individuals to take care of their own health. Others believe that the Government should make sure that their citizens are healthy. Discuss both views.

in the modern era, some individuals look after their
health
Use synonyms
 as their majority responsibility,
whereas
Linking Words
 their counterparts assume that the
government
Use synonyms
 has a main role in providing
health
Use synonyms
 services and facilities to their citizens. The aforementioned perspectives will be discussed thoroughly in the two following paragraphs before presenting my personal view in the conclusion. On the one hand, there are some citizens who think that their own fitness will be taken care
by
Change preposition
of by
show examples
 themself much better, and
this
Linking Words
 is their own responsibility.
For instance
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, in terms of personal responsibility, if a man has the signal of sleeplessness, he must start to look at his daily routine which is whether reasonable or less time for rest.
Then
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, he needs to make some adjustments
such
Linking Words
 as going to sleep earlier,
making
Correct word choice
and making
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 sure to have 8 hours of sleep per day. These actions maintain a healthy lifestyle, so he has enough sleep with full energy for the next day.
On the other hand
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, in my opinion,
Use synonyms
government
Add an article
the government
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 has a key role in maintaining their people's
health
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 in advance, because the funds contributed to the well-being systems are from the population's tax.
For example
Linking Words
, Australians pay high tax includes an amount called the 'medicare levy'
in
Change the preposition
at
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 the end of every financial year. These fees are for people to
used
Wrong verb form
use
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 the medicare system to claim any fees related to the
health
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 sector. Obviously, the Australian has the right to be looked after by the
government
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 for what they paid. In conclusion, I think the
Government
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 plays a significant role in providing
health
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service
Fix the agreement mistake
services
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besides
Linking Words
 individuals
take
Wrong verb form
taking
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 their own authority
for taking
Change preposition
to take
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 care of their
health
Use synonyms
. Because looking after our own
health
Use synonyms
 is for our own satisfaction, to
Use synonyms
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
this
Linking Words
 their responsible for caring for
their
Correct pronoun usage
its
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 own citizens.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure to clearly separate the two perspectives in your paragraphs.
task achievement
Add more specific examples to support your points.
coherence and cohesion
Try to improve sentence structure for better clarity.
task achievement
You present both views clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction gives a good outline of the essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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