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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweight is increasing. What is reason for the growth in overweight people in society? How can this problem be solved?

In recent years, the number of overweight
people
Use synonyms
 has grown significantly and they suffer from serious health problems
such
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 as heart disease and diabetes. The main reason for the growth in obesity is a sedentary lifestyle,
however
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, it can be tackled with good awareness among the society by not only authorities but
also
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 local
people
Use synonyms
.
To begin
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 with,
People
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 with a sedentary lifestyle spend most of their time lying on the sofa, working at a desk, and sitting at the computer. That's why, they have very little physical activity and movement. They cannot burn the calories which they have accumulated. Those calories disrupt the nutritional balance and complicate the digestive process.
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as
Capitalize word
As
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 a consequence, it leads to serious health problems like obesity and heart disease.
According to
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 the World Health Organization's data for 2022, more than half of the world's population suffer from obesity and
majority
Add an article
the majority
a majority
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 of them suffer from diabetes
as well as
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 from chronic heart disease. To solve
this
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 problem, both individuals and government must take steps.
In other words
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,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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Government officials must educate society about a balanced diet and regular
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
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.
In addition
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, They can provide
the
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apply
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public spaces in the parks for physical activity. On the individual level,
people
Use synonyms
 should make healthier food choices and include exercise in their daily routine. In conclusion, poor diet and a sedentary lifestyle are the main reasons for the increase in overweight
people
Use synonyms
. With the help of both public policies and personal responsibility,
this
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 problem can be effectively reduced.

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Task Response
Your introduction is clear and addresses the topic well. However, try to make your thesis statement stronger by clearly outlining your main points.
Coherence and Cohesion
The paragraphs are well-structured; each paragraph covers a main idea. However, ensure that each paragraph links logically to the next for smoother reading.
Task Response
You provide some relevant examples, but adding more specific statistics or studies, especially about diet and exercise, would strengthen your argument.
Task Response
Your understanding of the problem is strong and you clearly identify the causes and solutions.
Coherence and Cohesion
You maintain a logical flow in your ideas, making it easy for the reader to follow your arguments.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • sedentary
  • caloric intake
  • genetics
  • nutritional awareness
  • processed foods
  • fast food
  • lifestyle diseases
  • preventative measures
  • tax incentives
  • urban planning
  • community gardens
  • wellness initiatives
  • dietary guidelines
  • physical fitness
  • calorie-dense
  • portion control
  • metabolic rate
  • health literacy
  • food deserts
  • work-life balance
  • junk food
  • BMI (Body Mass Index)
  • non-communicable diseases
  • food labeling
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