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Writing Samples
Band 5

Parents are putting a lot of pressure on their children to succeed. What are the reasons for this? Is it a positive or negative development?

Since
parents
Use synonyms
 never had the possibility to attend higher
education
Use synonyms
 and do not want their
children
Use synonyms
 to worry about finances, they
pressure
Use synonyms
 them into succeeding.
This
Linking Words
 is a negative development because they project their failed dreams on their
children
Use synonyms
 and
therefore
Linking Words
 put a strain on the
children
Use synonyms
’s mental health. Sixty years ago, it was difficult for
parents
Use synonyms
 to receive higher
education
Use synonyms
. Since they only got minimal school
education
Use synonyms
, they had very little chance to get a
high paying
Add a hyphen
high-paying
show examples
 job.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they struggled financially throughout their lives, which they
do
Wrong verb form
did
show examples
 not want for their kids.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 think that nowadays’ youth are not aware of the possibilities they have. Higher
education
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as universities, are more easily accessible. It is possible today for women to study medicine
Linking Words
for
Add the comma(s)
, for
show examples
 instance, an unthinkable thing in the
mid twentieth
Add a hyphen
mid-twentieth
show examples
 century.
As a result
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
pressure
Use synonyms
 their kids to push
further
Linking Words
 and be grateful for the opportunities.
This
Linking Words
 is a negative development, as
parents
Use synonyms
 want their
children
Use synonyms
 to succeed for their own benefit and disregard the
children
Use synonyms
’s wishes. When their kids score a job in a
high paying
Add a hyphen
high-paying
show examples
 field, the
children
Use synonyms
 are able to provide for their
parents
Use synonyms
 once they retire.
Parents
Use synonyms
 expect
the
Change the word
their
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 to repay them for providing for them when they were small.
Additionally
Linking Words
, they disregard their kid’s wishes by projecting their own failed dreams onto
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, they
pressure
Use synonyms
 their daughter or son into attending law school, because they never could, even when their child wants to become a teacher. By making the child think, it is only good enough when they follow
this
Linking Words
 educational path, they force it to abandon its dreams.
As a result
Linking Words
, the
pressure
Use synonyms
 and expectations put a strain on their
children
Use synonyms
’s mental health and they will develop depression or anxiety. In conclusion,
parents
Use synonyms
 put
pressure
Use synonyms
onto
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
children
Use synonyms
 as they do not want them to have the same worries about money because of a lack of
education
Use synonyms
 and want them to embrace the possibilities they have nowadays.
This
Linking Words
 trend is a negative development since
parents
Use synonyms
 only see themselves in
this
Linking Words
. They want the
children
Use synonyms
 to succeed so they can support them financially, in total disregard of their wishes and mental health.

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coherence and cohesion
The introduction clearly presents the topic and your opinion. Make sure to connect your ideas more clearly in the body paragraphs.
task achievement
In your conclusion, try to summarize your main points a bit more clearly to reinforce your argument.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples or personal experiences to support your points. This will make your argument stronger.
task achievement
Your essay presents a clear opinion on the topic, which is important for IELTS.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task achievement
You used relevant points about parents’ expectations and their impact on children, which are interesting and meaningful.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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