IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many think that a religion should be taught in school, while others think it should be part of a wider discussion. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

Most
of
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apply
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opine that a
religion
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 ought to be taught in schools,
whereas
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 others think it must be prohibited.
This
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 essay will analyze both views. As far as I am concerned, I am in
favor
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favour
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 of
latter
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the latter
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 notion. To commence with the former view, the first and foremost point is to expand their knowledge. To explain
this
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, if subjects like
religion
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 are taught in learning institutions, it helps
students
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 learn more about the culture and religious beliefs of religions they do not belong to.
For example
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, a survey conducted by the Carl Seid Foundation in 2019 revealed that 40% of
students
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 desire to join the foundation as they learn about non-discrimination at the school level,
therefore
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, teaching a
religion
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 in school would make learners more respectful of other religions. Shifting towards the latter notation, the predominant one is immaturity. To elaborate
this
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, some
students
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 at
this
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 age are not mentally prepared to form positive views on others
is
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religion's
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religion
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belief
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beliefs
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 and tend to have negative thoughts, resulting in conflict and other negative consequences among them.
For instance
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, a headline published by
cable
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the cable
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 news network CNN in 2022 showed that at a seminar in India, there was an issue created between
students
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due to
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 an argument on
religious
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a religious
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 topic.
Hence
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, schools should focus on other academic subjects to achieve good results and avoid subjects related to
religion
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. In conclusion,
although
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 teaching a
religion
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 in academic institutes helps to enhance the knowledge of
students
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 about all religions,
yet
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apply
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I believe that it sometimes leads to conflict among
students
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due to
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 having different
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religion's
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religion
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opinion
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opinions
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.

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task achievement
Make sure your introduction clearly presents the topic and your opinion more directly. This helps set the stage for your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and topic sentence to guide the reader.
task achievement
Try to use specific examples that directly link back to your argument more clearly and stay focused.
coherence and cohesion
Consider better linking words and phrases between sentences and paragraphs to improve the flow of ideas.
task achievement
You clearly defined both views about teaching religion in schools.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples to support your ideas.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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