IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The bar chart below shows the number of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia last year Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar chart below shows the number of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia last year Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The bar chart shows the number of employed, by job type, and sex for Australia
last
Linking Words
 year. In
this
Linking Words
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will summarise the information. By looking at the provided data,
males
Use synonyms
 are way far from
femals
Correct your spelling
females
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 working at the different
jobs
Use synonyms
 that
showen
Correct your spelling
show
 on the ratio.
Overall
Linking Words
, clerical
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 are the highest for
bothe
Correct your spelling
both
gender
Fix the agreement mistake
genders
show examples
 (females and
males
Use synonyms
), it shows between 800% and 900%.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the semi-professionals
also
Linking Words
 at the same range for both
sex
Fix the agreement mistake
sexes
show examples
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 shows around 600% and 700%.
While
Linking Words
 the other
jobs
Use synonyms
 (tradespeople and production), for females side, were is the lowest from all the previous
jobs
Use synonyms
, were between 0% to 100%.
However
Linking Words
, the rest of
workers
Correct article usage
the workers
show examples
were varying
Wrong verb form
varied
show examples
, as managers and
productions
Fix the agreement mistake
production
show examples
, to be more detailed: the female managers were 200%
while
Linking Words
 the
males
Use synonyms
 were 600%, and
this
Linking Words
 is
huge
Add an article
a huge
show examples
 gap between the two genders.
Although
Linking Words
, the labourers both sex among 250% to 300%.
To sum up
Linking Words
,
males
Use synonyms
where
Correct your spelling
were
show examples
 able to do most of the
jobs
Use synonyms
 compared to females.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the fifth paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the sixth paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the seventh paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words males, jobs with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "shows" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the sixth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the seventh paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Employment figures
  • Sectors
  • Significant disparities
  • Gender balance
  • Skewed
  • Trends
  • Patterns
  • Dominant
  • Inferred
  • Labor market
  • Year-on-year comparison
  • Insights
  • Implications
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