IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead . To what extent do you agree with this statement?

Some
people
Use synonyms
 opine that the
government
Use synonyms
 should not allocate their money to different directions of
art
Use synonyms
 either theatre or music, and should rather invest in public amenities and services. I strongly disagree with
this
Linking Words
 point of view, because
sphere
Add an article
the sphere
show examples
 of
art
Use synonyms
 has a lot of benefits towards
people
Use synonyms
’s
well being
Add a hyphen
well-being
show examples
 and their cultural development. On the one hand, nowadays
people
Use synonyms
 frequently use different city facilities
such
Linking Words
 as shopping malls or restaurants . Their rising usage makes the
critiria
Correct your spelling
criteria
 regarding social areas stricter , and
thus
Linking Words
, it becomes harder to sustain all facilities in ideal conditions.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the demographic rise all around the world leads to the need
of opening
Change preposition
to open
show examples
 new public amenities like schools and medical centres and
therefore
Linking Words
 requires more investments from the
government
Use synonyms
.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, it is important to increase the range of provided entertaining places with cultural places
such
Linking Words
 as theatres or
art
Use synonyms
 galleries.
However
Linking Words
,
due to
Linking Words
 the fact that individuals rarely use them, they find
art
Use synonyms
 investments as a waste of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
government
Use synonyms
 resources.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, investing in
art
Use synonyms
 is an extremely useful decision, because it can positively influence the mood of a person and develop the level of creativity, which now is a valuable skill among individuals. Visiting cultural areas like
theatre
Fix the agreement mistake
theatres
show examples
 or
art
Use synonyms
 galleries
also
Linking Words
 can assist
people
Use synonyms
 in finding new hobbies or spheres of interest.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 of the same view can meet each other in
Linking Words
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 places,
hence
Linking Words
, they
also
Linking Words
 can become a case of finding new mutual relationships. It is a proven fact that communication and hobbies bring a lot of positive emotions,
hence
Linking Words
 investments in
such
Linking Words
 spheres can become
an opportunities
Correct the article-noun agreement
an opportunity
opportunities
show examples
 for the
government
Use synonyms
 to increase the
overall
Linking Words
 level of citizens’s emotional state.
To conclude
Linking Words
, allocating money
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the social sphere and services is important
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because nowadays’s advancements increase the number of facilities required
for sustaining
Change preposition
to sustain
show examples
country’s
Correct article usage
a country’s
show examples
socio-economic
Correct your spelling
socioeconomic
show examples
 state. At the same time, I think that investing in arts is useful in relation
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 publicity’s general cultural development.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Make sure to clearly state your position in the introduction and support it throughout your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use clear topic sentences for each paragraph to help guide your reader.
Task Achievement
Provide specific examples to support your points. This will make your argument stronger.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Task Achievement
You address important points about both art and public services, showing a good understanding of the topic.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural enrichment
  • expression of creativity
  • promote diversity
  • enhance social cohesion
  • boost tourism
  • job creation
  • stimulate economic growth
  • improve quality of life
  • essential services
  • maintenance and development
What to do next:
Look at other essays: