IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

People believe that the government should financially support retired people, others believe that retired people should care for themselves. Discuss both viewpoints and give your opinion.

The ageing population has had
demonstrable
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a demonstrable
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 effect on society, especially with regard to
government
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,
while
Linking Words
 some people believe that supporting
financial
Change the adjective
financially
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 to older
individuals
Use synonyms
 is the best method to help them, others disagree with
this
Linking Words
 point of view and argue that older
inhabittants
Correct your spelling
inhabitants
 should have financial reserves for their own care in later years. On the one hand, there are many reasons why receiving
retired
Replace the word
retirement
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 money from
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government
Add an article
the government
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 can lead to a better quality of life for
the
Correct article usage
apply
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elderly people. Foremost among these is access to proper mental and healthcare services. As people age, medical expenses tend to rise, and without financial help, many seniors may be unable to afford necessary treatments.
For example
Linking Words
, in many countries with welfare systems,
such
Linking Words
 as Sweden, older citizens enjoy a higher standard of living and mental well-being because the
government
Use synonyms
 covers most of their medical and living costs.
Therefore
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, state support can reduce stress, promote health, and ensure dignity in old age.
On the other hand
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, several other measures should
also
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 be considered.
To begin
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 with, encouraging
individuals
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 to save for their own retirement fosters a sense of responsibility and financial independence.
Furthermore
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, relying solely on
government
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 support might place a significant burden on public funds, especially as the elderly population continues to grow.
For instance
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, in developing countries with limited budgets, allocating large sums to retirement pensions may reduce funding for other essential sectors
such
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 as education and infrastructure.
Accordingly
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, promoting private pension schemes and financial literacy from an early age can be more sustainable in the long run.
This
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 can balance personal responsibility with national stability. In conclusion,
although
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 the myriad
of
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apply
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reasons why
government
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 support is beneficial for the elderly, it may be insufficient or unsustainable if used as the sole method. In my opinion, a combination of
government
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 assistance and personal financial planning is the best way to
encorrage
Correct your spelling
encourage
 older
individuals
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of
Change preposition
in
show examples
government
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. If both parties cooperate, the repercussions on both
individuals
Use synonyms
 and society are going to be long-lasting and disastrous.

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Task Achievement
Your introduction gives a good outline of the topic, but try to make your thesis statement clearer. This helps the reader understand your main argument right away.
Coherence and Cohesion
In your paragraphs, ensure that each main point is clearly linked to the previous one. Use simple transition words like 'first', 'next', or 'finally' to enhance flow.
Task Achievement
While you included good examples, try to explain them a bit more to show how they support your points. This makes your argument stronger and clearer.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your conclusion repeats some ideas from the essay but could be stronger. Try to summarize your main points and restate your opinion more clearly.
Content
You have structured your essay well, with clear main ideas and examples to support them.
Content
You made relevant points about the balance between government support and personal responsibility.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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