IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries, more and more local shops are closing down because so many people now shop online. What problems might this cause? What is the best way to deal with this problem?

There is no gainsaying the fact that in a few nations,
people
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 prefer online shopping over store shopping which leads to
closing
Correct article usage
the closing
show examples
 down of local
shops
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.
This
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 essay intends to delve into the
problems
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 which take birth from
this
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 situation and suggests some possible ways to tackle these
problems
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. On the one hand, one of the biggest
problems
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 which is caused by
closing
Correct article usage
the closing
show examples
 down of local
shops
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 is unemployment. Because, nowadays there are a number of
people
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 who rely on small
business
Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
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 like grocery, footwear,
clothes
Correct word choice
and clothes
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shops
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for meeting
Change preposition
to meet
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 both ends.
However
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, if these
shops
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 are closed
due to
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 online shopping, how could
people
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 who depend on these
shops
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 earn their bread and butter?
As a consequence
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, closing down of the
shops
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 causes unemployment.
Apart from
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this
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,
this
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 situation takes a heavy toll on the local economy of
nation
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the nation
a nation
show examples
.
For instance
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, when
people
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 buy things online,
whole
Correct article usage
the whole
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 money goes to other countries which
weak
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weakens
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 the economy of
nation
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the nation
a nation
show examples
.
Last
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 but not least, it is seen that nowadays,
people
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 do not only suffer from health hassles, but they
also
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 becoming aloof thanks to online shopping. Because, when
people
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do
Correct your spelling
go
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 shopping
the
Change preposition
in the
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 local
shops
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then
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 they meet a number of
people
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as well as
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 walk which keep them hale and hearty. But, during online shopping,
people
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 sit at home which leads to diseases and isolation.
On the other hand
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, there are a few remedies which can address these
problems
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.
Firstly
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,
people
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 should be made aware
about
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of
show examples
 the demerits of online shopping
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 local
shops
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. Because, if
people
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 know the adverse effects of online shopping on local
shops
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then
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people
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 will not prefer online shopping over offline shopping.
As a result
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,
people
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 will
do
Correct your spelling
go
show examples
 shopping in the local
shops
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.
Besides
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of
Change preposition
apply
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this
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, local shopkeepers must give discounts to customers to attract/ lure
Correct pronoun usage
them for
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for doing
Change preposition
to do
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 more shopping in their
shops
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. Because, if customers get a big chunk of discount from local
shops
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, they will give preference to offline shopping
instead
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 of online shopping .
Hence
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,
people
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 will
do
Correct your spelling
go
show examples
 shopping in local
shops
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. In compendium, given the aforementioned information, it is quite evident that there are multifarious
problems
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 which take birth from
this
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 situation.
However
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, these
problems
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 can be tackled by taking above given steps.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and supports it well. Linking ideas smoothly helps the reader follow the argument.
task achievement
You should give more specific examples to show your points clearly. This makes your argument stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Try to avoid overly complex sentences and focus on clear and concise ideas. This will help make your writing easier to understand.
task achievement
The essay contains relevant points about problems of closing local shops.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of the essay is good, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • brick-and-mortar shops
  • community engagement
  • economic decline
  • carbon emissions
  • hybrid business model
  • shop local campaigns
  • technological access
  • community cohesion
  • environmental impact
  • unemployment
  • inequality
  • social hubs
  • tax incentives
  • local government revenues
What to do next:
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