Some people think it is more important to provide parks and sports facilities than to provide shopping centers in these new town for people to spend their free time. To what extent doo you agree or disagree?

It is indisputable that public services are critical for citizens.
While
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some believe that new
towns
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should not
prioritizing
Wrong verb form
prioritise
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shopping centres over
parks
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and
sports
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facilities
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, there is
also
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an argument that opposes
this
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perspective. In my opinion, I firmly agree with the former viewpoint, as these kinds of
facilities
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can be a main factor in raising the individuals' fitness level resulting
healthier
Change preposition
in healthier
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citizens.
This
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essay will discuss both views before presenting my opinion.
To begin
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with,
sports
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facilities
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and
parks
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can positively impact the lifestyle of
town's
Correct article usage
the town's
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residents. To illustrate, designated areas for
sports
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will encourage individuals to practice more physical activities during their leisure time resulting in a healthier community.
Parks
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are
also
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considered one of the leading factors that build a devoted society
,
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apply
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because it will connect them with their own environment.
For instance
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, Harvard Science School published a study revealing that spending free time in public
parks
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, will increase the individual’s loyal
atmospheres
Fix the agreement mistake
atmosphere
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to their
towns
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, as it can build a strong bond with their nature. Another point to consider, shopping centres are a valuable assist that can
rise
Correct your spelling
raise
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the city's
economy
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. Refreshing the
economy
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of new
towns
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is essential to maintain their resources and enhance their
facilities
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.
For example
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, shopping time can benefit both individuals and local authorities because purchasing new items will make
people
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happier
as well as
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refresh the
economy
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.
While
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constructing malls can entertain
people
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, it can be
also
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the reason to develop new
towns
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. In conclusion, despite
people
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having different points of
views
Fix the agreement mistake
view
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, I tend to believe that
parks
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and
sports
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facilities
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should be prioritized because of their positive impact on
Use synonyms
people
Change noun form
people's
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overall
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health
as well as
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their bond with their environment.
In addition
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, improving the
economy
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cannot be met unless
people
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are healthy and faithful to their lands.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea. You have done this well, but sometimes the connection between ideas can be stronger.
task achievement
Try to develop your examples further. Some examples could use more detail to make your point clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words like 'firstly', 'next', or 'finally' more often to help connect your ideas.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your opinion, which is a strong start.
task achievement
The essay presents arguments for both sides, showing a good understanding of the issue.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Topic Vocabulary:
  • parks
  • sports
  • facilities
  • shopping
  • centers
  • free time
  • important
  • provide
  • community
  • health
  • lifestyle
  • physical activity
  • mental well-being
  • nature
  • relax
  • events
  • belonging
  • teamwork
  • interaction
  • consumer
  • lifestyle
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